Redheads that I *don't* want to screw

I had an interesting conversation at work today about Redheads and my obsession with them. The guys asked me which Redhead(s) I don't want to sleep with... and I started coming up with a mental list for a future blog post. There's a few entries on there that might surprise you all too.

So, without further ado, I present my list of Redheads I won't sleep with and the reasons why...

1.) Any Female Redhead friend of mine that is married...

Even if they were swingers or something (and at least one might qualify under a very liberal definition of that term), I still just can't bring myself to do that sort of thing... In my mind, it's just all kinds of wrong. You don't go spelunking in someone else's cave, man. That's just disrespectful.

Yes, I know married couples are/were supposed to be faithful to each other so that there would be no questions about the parentage of the children born to the woman. Thanks to Maury Povich, I'm also well aware that we have ways of testing the child's DNA and ensuring that a married woman's lover is 100% NOT the father. Either way, I don't care. No married man should ever have to wonder whether or not the kid his wife bore is really his or not. Period.

2.) Christina Hendricks...

Surprised? Don't be. The reason here is the same as #1. She's married. That also keeps me from FAPPING to her too. That can be awfully frustrating since she's the actress that inspired the phrase 'I'll be in my bunk' on that episode of Firefly. And yes, I know she's not a true Ginger. I don't care. She's still hawt and her husband is one lucky son of a bitch.

3.) Lindsay Lohan...

Some guys like drunken slut-whores with a coke habit that can talk them into doing terrible things. Not me. I'd be afraid to tap that ass. There's no telling who (or what) has had all of them holes. There's also no telling what kind of creepy-crawly kinds of nastiness that the CDC hasn't even discovered yet might be slathered all over/taking up residence in her vagina. (Not to mention her mouth and asshole...)

Also, her family is so fucked up that they make the Kardashians look like the Brady Bunch by comparison. I wouldn't touch this broad with an Arab's dick, and those guys are so desperate for pussy that they propose marriage to hookers in German brothels.

4.) The (mostly Lesbian) Porn Star called Jayden Cole (aka Ashley Summers)...

I used to enjoy watching this broad. Then, in an interview, she admitted that she thought Bill Maher was sexy. That shows pretty poor taste since he's ugly and a real ASSHOLE to boot. If her profession wasn't enough to scare me off (and it most likely would since that job would preclude any chance of her being loyal and faithful to me), then her bad taste in Men certainly did the trick.

5.) Any Redhead co-workers of mine in the Army; Past, Present OR Future...

Workplace romances don't work. Ever. I learned that the hard way when I became enamored with (and then pursued) a female friend of mine while serving in Korea. It didn't end well, mostly because she was a psycho... and just not ready for the kind of relationship that I would have wanted. I learned a valuable lesson from that experience. Even if the woman isn't the 'typical female soldier' that the Drill Sergeants warned me about in BCT, their sage-like advice still holds true: Stay AWAY from them. They are not the ones you want.

Almost all female soldiers have a LOT of psychological baggage (or will after serving in uniform for a little while) and it's probably not worth the time and effort. I really hate saying that since I know a few who are NOT psycho and would make very good wives and mothers (assuming they aren't already) but, it's not even a big concern anymore. I'm leaving the Army soon and there won't be many military females in the place where I'm going to settle down and start life over.

If this one proves popular enough, I might do a short list of the Redheads that I would like to screw. It should be at least as hilariously offensive as this one.

- Lord Publius