Ever notice how everyone and their mother (but oddly enough, not my own mother) always have a lot of conflicting advice about courtship rituals? I sure have... And, with a few exceptions, I don't want it anymore.
And since I'm that special form of crazy that doesn't get you locked up in a nuthouse, much of that advice has been not overly helpful. Some has but, most of it just doesn't work when you're the perpetual stranger in your own land. I'm bringing this all up because I am so tired of my life being so lonely and empty. I want it to change but, I don't know how to make that happen. Forming relationships to me is about as difficult as understanding physics would be to most others.
So, let's look at a few bits of advice on the subject and offer a retort, shall we? I'll break this up into 3 sections. Part 1 will be the 'professional' advice that I found on the internet from relationship experts and, oddly enough, movie stars. Part 2 is the personal advice I get from real-life friends and acquaintances. Part 3 will detail both what I am looking for in a woman and also what I am trying to avoid. There will be some parts of this that get a little frank and brutally honest. I'm not looking to upset anyone but, sometimes, these things can't be expressed any other way...
Part 1 - 'Professional' Advice
First, there's this Top 10 list of sorts from the blog of the actress Zooey Deschanel. There's decent advice in it but, it's also kind of generic. I've also noticed that it's hard to be anything but generic when giving advice in this area. Not surprising since there don't seem to be any rules. Or, at least none that are ever followed... Feel free to follow the link to the article and give it a read if you want. It's not boring...
Next, some advice from the actress Christina Hendricks, a woman whose sultriness tends to leave me feeling very hot under the collar, on what women actually think of the men in their lives...
According to Christina, women love us just as we are. Well, okay... I have still noticed that most women will gladly choose some handsome movie star over me, though. Fortunately, they are not likely to be meeting too many movie stars. Also, if that's true, why have some actually tried to change me in some way? I can understand them wanting me to try a new hairstyle or get some new clothes. (Which my younger teenage self stubbornly refused to do when it was casually suggested by my primo amore...) However, it didn't always stop there and became a reason why I'd end my association with some people. We'll discuss that later in part 3.
Christina went on to say something about women loving the way we smell. I guess that's the pheromone thing that everyone talks about because I rarely notice how anyone smells unless they're wearing perfume/cologne. Or, happen to smell bad for some reason. That smelling bad part is an especially big problem with chain-smokers. It's also one of the main reasons why I won't date someone who smokes. Tobacco is nasty.
Continuing on, she also explained why women make it a point to remember EVERYTHING we guys say about their bodies or if someone else looks attractive. It's not about vanity or jealousy, just about figuring out what we like and how to emulate it to make us happy. Okay... I'd like to believe her but, this is one of those scenarios where it's more likely she's only speaking for herself and not every female on Earth. Still, I hope to meet a good woman who shares that mental outlook on life. It's a lot more emotionally healthy than the future Mrs. Publius getting jealous of a Hollywood actress I may daydream about... After all, it's not very likely that I'll ever even meet that movie star, let alone leave my wife/girlfriend/friend with benefits for her.
She also advised men everywhere to NOT complain about their woman's friends and to remember what they like, which is no problem for me. I prefer not to badmouth anyone, even if I might still express displeasure at what a particular individual might do. And I do want to keep the future missus happy so, for example, remembering that she likes chocolate and hates coconut filling is a wise move.
From there, it just goes on with various things that are obviously her opinions and not something universal to the fairer sex. (And some Feminazi starts breaking my balls about using that old-fashioned phrase in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...) However, there was one thing that really stood out for me in her last talking point: Marriage doesn't change much about the sexual aspect of the relationship.
Marriage changes very little. The only things that will get a married man laid that won't get a single man laid are adultery and whores. Intelligence and humor (and your smell) are what get you laid. That's what got you laid when you were single. That's what gets you laid when you're married. Everything still works in marriage: especially intelligence and humor. Because the sexiest thing is to know you.
I don't know why that wasn't obvious to me before but, I can tell it's true. After all, why would you want someone to significantly change his behavior and personality after you marry him? If there were really negative aspects to his personality before you married him, those aspects are not likely to go away after. You all know what kind of man I'm talking about, Ladies: The Bad Boy that you all secretly think you can somehow reform. You can't. You shouldn't try. Just avoid him.
Also, that bit at the end, 'Because the sexiest thing is to know you' is something to which every guy should pay close attention. If there is anything I have learned about female psychology that is true, it's that they are completely controlled by their emotions. Nothing is more important to them in a relationship than to be emotionally intimate with their partner in life. And being both socially inept/emotionally crippled, I guess I shouldn't wonder about why I'm perpetually single, heh? :P
I also ran into a great article on Psychology Today called 'How to end up with the right partner',which was full of helpful advice on what to look out for and avoid in a prospective spouse. To keep you from having to spend any more time on this overly long post, I'll just post the last 2 paragraphs here since they sum up the article's message so well...
You can’t be sure a person is humble; but when you encounter even one stunningly arrogant act, that may be all you need to see to reject the hope that they are. Finally, don’t waste time after you see that hideous haughtiness. Yes, you are going to get grief from the arrogant person for dumping him or her, but that should simply give you the strength of confirmation to make sure the break is clean.
When you do find that sincere, humble, fair-minded person, you might be shocked to discover how sexy he or she is. It might be overwhelming to finally share a passion based on discovering the person in front of you—free from the conventional gender roles and judgments. There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating remains simple: You always mean what you say.
I love that last bit so much that I put in bold. That is the whole Aspie mantra for interpersonal communication: we always do mean what we say. The only problem is that we tend to be too blunt. Fortunately, I have found a way to soften that hard edge when I want.
And then there's this individual...
Looking at the title of this video, I can't help but think of the Shy Guys from various Super Mario games. :P
As for the advice offered in this video...
1.) The idea of having a few questions prepared before going out with a gal is a pretty good idea. It does sound a bit formulaic, though. Better make sure that list is mental and not written down on a piece of paper.
2.) Shorter dates could also work. That means less small talk that I'll have to create and/or endure. To me, small talk often seems antithetical to good, clear and concise communication. (And often boring...)
3.) I never tried double dating so, I don't know how that would work out for me. Could be interesting, though...
4.) Picking up on social cues is a real problem for me, thanks to the Asperger's Syndrome. Teasing me to create chemistry doesn't make any sense at all. Why do women do something negative to try to create a positive result? That seems counter-intuitive and ridiculous.
5.) I have no problem 'coming out of my shell.' I just have a hard time finding women that are really worthy of that small effort. I'm also somewhat worried about what they might think. My primo amore once remarked that I was 'really dark' when we were still in High School. I think that's just her polite way of saying that I scared the shit out of people. Most teenagers are brooding and moody. I was angry and vengeful. I have calmed down a lot over the years, though. Nowadays, some might even mistake me for being a pretty nice guy. :P
Also, I'm not convinced that the term 'Introvert' really applies to me. Talk to any friend of mine and they will tell you that, for better or worse, I can be quite animated and expressive.
Part 2 - Personal Advice from friends
Even if I ask just 3 friends for their thoughts on this matter, I know I'm going to get 3 different answers. Most are not overly helpful...
One just advocated leaving it up to fate, because that's how he met his woman. I'm happy that random chance worked for you old friend but, it doesn't seem to work for me. (Also, I need to get out more. That is definitely a contributing factor to why random chance does NOT operate in my favor here.)
One former friend that I got rid of shortly before leaving the Army once brought me with him and his date to a fetish party. He didn't provide a lot of details about what kind of party it was and, as you can guess, it didn't go well. I wasn't comfortable at all. I don't think of sexual activity with complete strangers (let alone in public) is a good idea. Saddest of all, NO ONE at that shindig was even physically attractive, except the Redhead he brought with him. However, he got rid of her pretty quickly after that night. She turned out to be a psycho.
Anyway, that whole thing was really weird and often gross. I was quite disgusted with and freaked out by what I saw. It forever changed the way that I thought of that person and made me very wary of him. I already knew that he cheated on his second wife while we were both stationed in Korea. That was something I didn't like about him. However, after that fetish party he took me to in Maryland (we both went to the same unit after leaving Korea), it became apparent that this guy was a fucking deviant. The only reason I didn't wash my hands of him that very night was because he would often tell me about what was being discussed in the unit's NCO meetings. That intel proved useful on a few occasions and played a part in my eventual decision to leave the Service. I sure am glad that I'm never going to have to live and act that way again...
There are also two old female friends from High School (including my primo amore) that advised me not to bother with dating sites when I mentioned I might try them again last summer. That bit of advice might be the only piece of advice from an old friend that is actually helpful. I have tried online dating sites on a few occasions, without much success.
To say that I was disappointed with OKCupid and Plenty of Fish is a bit of an understatement. Those sites kept doing the same thing that caused me to end a few friendships over this issue. Instead of trying to find me a woman I might actually want, they kept trying to shuffle me towards varying forms of social reject. I guess they figured I'd just be happy to have someone. Wrong again, folks. If society at large rejected that person, there was probably good reason. I will be suspicious and distrustful of someone so flawed that the rest of the world already shunned them. So would anyone else.
Also, why would those damned dating sites think that I'd want someone who was massively overweight? Have I ever given any indication that I was interested in 'the big gals' before? No, I am not fat-shaming anyone. I'm just being honest. Just like anyone else on this planet, some people/body-types are attractive to me and some are not. The 'hour-glass shape' gets me excited. The ultra-skinny 'toothpick' look and very large gals don't. It's just that simple. Trying to tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way is just as wrong as me telling you that you're wrong for chasing whatever it is you like to screw. Unless they are causing harm to themselves or others, you can't condemn someone for doing what Nature programmed them to do.
Part 3 - What I really feel attracted to...
I'm not going to bore anyone with a long scientific explanation for why I prefer the hour-glass shape (fertility, good health, ability to survive childbirth, et al.) but, I can use pictures to explain it in the simplest way possible...
Here's the 'social ideal' of what women should look like... If you believe the mass media, fashion/glamour modeling, porno, et al...
|And I will admit that I like this particular ideal... |
And the model in that picture, Shay Laren... (Link is NSFW)
Here's what those former friends of mine and the dating sites were trying to stick me with against my will... (Again, I'm not fat-shaming here. Just telling the brutally honest and frightening truth.)
|No Cloverfield Monsters for me, TYVM.|
And here, using a picture of Victoria's Secret model Candice Swanepoel, is the ultra-thin stick figure type that the Mass Media is constantly trying to tell us is what sexy looks like... And I don't necessarily agree.
|Am I the only one that thinks she looks like she's only 16?|
Women like her are so frail-looking that I'd actually be worried about hurting her when we're fooling around in bed. Some of these ultra-thin women often look sickly to me as well. That doesn't really get a rise out of my babymaker... She does take some good pictures sometimes but, I know they're all enhanced in Photoshop. I want someone real, not a computer-generated image. Also, she looks like a teenager to me, even though I know she's not. That's disconcerting on a number of levels. It makes me feel like dating her could get me arrested for statutory rape. :O
Even worse, the 'friends' that tried steering me to the fat chicks seemed to think that I was more interested in women like Candice here. And that also led to the decision to give them the ol' Pontias Pilate treatment and wash my hands of them. Just because I won't go for one extreme doesn't mean that I want to pursue the other. I tried explaining that to them but, they just refused to even listen, let alone try to understand.
And now, here's what I call the 'Happy Medium', the type that I would gladly accept, desire and pursue on my own without any useless social pressure from a so-called friend, dating site or society as a whole. Not bad, heh? ;)
|I love busty Redheads|
Not too big or too small... Seems to be in good health... Nice face... Beautiful eyes and hair... Yep, I could see myself making that nice young lady the future Mrs. Publius. (Assuming the brains match the beauty.) However, would a dating site or one of those old (and happily disposed of) 'friends' introduce me to a girl like her? Probably not since they have never done that before.
Also, since we are on the subject, there are a LOT of different habits and personality traits that are deal breakers. So, if you're one of my real life friends and want to set me up with a good woman, please ensure that she's not...
1.) Mentally unbalanced in some way. And I mean *actual* mental health problems like Bi-polar disorder, Schizophrenia and other things that make her a (potential) danger to herself and society. A fellow Aspie might actually be quite welcome, especially if we have a few common special interests...
2.) A smoker, heavy drinker and/or drug user
3.) Overtly political, especially if she's a Democrat or one of those Commie Pukes that call themselves a 'Social Justice Warrior.' Most Dems tend to think that I'm the Devil just because I don't see things their way. I am not wasting time with someone that naive and elitist.
4.) Looking to leach off her man for something (Money, place to live, et al.) or 'digging for Gold.'
5.) Looking for someone to be a surrogate father to her children. (I can't afford to take care of children right now.)
6.) Overly dramatic, really bad at 'hiding the crazy', or likely to turn into a psycho stalker.
7.) Overtly salacious/lascivious/downright slutty in public. It's called 'Lady in the streets and FREAK in the sheets' for a reason, people.
8.) A giant blob of a person. I refuse to compromise on this point. NO FAT CHICKS. EVER!
9.) Tattoos in bad places like the chest, front/sides of the neck and lots of weird piercings. (Nose, eyebrows, cheeks, et al.)
10.) Has fake boobs. I hate fake boobs. They don't feel right.
As long as the woman in question doesn't have these negative traits (and does have one of the right body types), we should be fine. Something wonderful may happen... or, it might not. Either way, at least I'll be a willing participant for once. :P
I sometimes wonder if I should try a dating site once more but, that's a lot of work for no guarantee of results. I'd be better off going to clubs and trying to meet chicks at the bar. And how often do you meet the future wife and mother of your children in that kind of environment? I would guess not very often. That, and I've noticed that striking up conversations with complete strangers is kinda difficult and awkward for me. I need to work on that...
I used to think that it was just me that had all these issues since just about every friend of mine has found a mate/spouse/friend with benefits/whatever. I don't think it's just me anymore. Why? Because of my younger brother. As much action as he has had in life, he is in a similar situation as me. He once told me on the phone that he was 'tired of all the Bullshit' and just wanted to find someone that he could be happy with, settle down, et al. My response to this was 'Congratulations, little brother. You're now finally a mature adult.' He just laughed when I said that to him. In addition to breaking his balls, he also knew that I was expressing some sincere relief that he wouldn't be getting mixed up with crazy chicks anymore. I could tell so many stories...
And then, there's the issues that all Aspies and Autistics face when it comes to romance... which is, sadly, very much like our troubles with any other form of socialization. Fortunately, I have some advice for you Neuro-typicals on how to deal with us 'weirdos on the Spectrum'...
1.) Aspies and Autistic people are often late bloomers when it comes to relationships.
2.) Not everyone on the spectrum has an aversion to touch or being in crowds. Ask us about this one. I do not have any issues with crowds or physical contact.
3.) An aversion to touch doesn’t necessarily mean an aversion to sex.
4.) A lack of social skill does not necessarily mean a lack of interest in socializing with other people.
5.) Our potential partners are NOT limited to other people on the spectrum.
6.) We are very capable of love and affection; just not always good at expressing it to others.
7.) Routines, if we have them, make certain aspects of life feel safer/easier, including courtship rituals.
8.) We’re often hopeless at flirting, but excellent at being loyal and affectionate.
9.) We can’t always read romantic signals and body language. If there's something you want, TELL US.
10.) We can’t always guess how you’re feeling so, don't assume that we should know. TELL US HOW YOU FEEL.
Then again, it's probably just as much the womenfolk's fault as it is mine. Women, from what I have gathered/observed, hardly ever seem to really know what they want. Simply put...
|Why won't Blogspot let me center this picture without a caption? That's weird...|
And while we're on the subject ladies, the 'Friend zone' is BULLSHIT.
I have had enough of that crap, thank you very much. Try to put me there and I may never speak to you again. I'm either number one or not in the race. I need a wife and lover, not another friend.