Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Borg Documentary - Part 1

Sorry that I couldn't find a copy of this video with better resolution.

I have heard a LOT of speculation on the internet for years now that the Borg were merely a Star Trek version of the Cybermen from Doctor Who. I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to call Bullshit on that idea. The two species only have 2 things in common: they are both cybernetic and both like absorbing/assimilating new races into their collectives. Also, TNG producer Maurice Hurley's original idea for the Borg was to make them insectoid in nature so, there's that...

Also, it's worth pointing out that the Cybermen started as a means for a dying species to save itself from extinction. No one really knows the true origins of the Borg. There has been much speculation in non-canon works but, no onscreen info as of yet. Of course, if recent speculation on the Borg being the principal bad guy in the next movie turns out to be true... Well, anything can happen...

I just hope they can explain the Borg's origins without taking away from the menace and sheer terror they tend to illicit. Their all-too-frequent appearances in Voyager kinda made them seem much easier to defeat. THAT IS THE WRONG ANSWER. The Borg are meant to be Star Trek's version of the forces of nature in a 'Man vs. Nature' type of story. They are the unstoppable force, the oncoming storm, etc. etc. etc. In other words, nerds should shit their britches at the mere mention of that evil race. Plus, I'd love to see how Captain Kirk would handle fighting the Borg. How would he beat them? I can think of at least one way it might have been possible but, it was already used in one of ther non-canon TNG relaunch novels. (i.e. using the Doomsday Machine to annihilate cubes left and right.)

- Lord Publius

Friday, September 26, 2014

ONE way to get more views for your blog

Express controversial opinions and nobody cares. Misspell something in your writing work AND EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS!!!

Too bad that I could never allow myself to purposely misspell words... unless it's for comedic effect/trolling purposes.

- Lord Publius

Friday, September 19, 2014

Re-up? YOU'RE CRAZY!!!

After reading that EPIC 'Why I left the Army' blog, there are doubtless going to be some people in uniform (including some friends of mine) that wonder what it would take to get me to come back to the Service. Well, it's not going to happen. Not ever.

However, for the sake of argument, let's imagine it could happen in some parallel universe. What would it take? Well, I have a somewhat short list of what it would take, conveniently split into 2 sections: Political and Personal.

Why would I even waste my time thinking of these things? Well, I was bored. Also, I seem to remember my last company commander going out of his way to stress that I could re-enlist someday in the future. I told him in no uncertain (but still polite) terms that re-enlistment would never happen. He seemed confused by why I wanted out of the military so bad.

I never did get a chance to explain to him just how or why I came to hate being in the Army so much. However, if he reads this and that '17 reasons why I left the Army' blog, he should know. I hope this clears up any remaining confusion, sir... Assuming you even still remember me now...

So, without further ado, I now present to you...

What it will take to get me to go back to work for the Government...

I.) Political Concerns

0.) To avoid any kind of power going to my head, there will be a reasonably sane individual whom I trust employed specifically to keep me down to Earth. Essentially, this person will be my Consigliere. This person's identity will be kept secret from the general public (not to mention the readers of this blog) and his/her salary will be one million dollars per year TAX FREE for the rest of his/her natural life.

Don't worry, it will become obvious why this person will be needed as you continue to read this latest rant/collection of insane ramblings posing as a form of internet comedy/vaguely Libertarian-leaning political manifesto of sorts... (Try saying that run-on sentence 3 times fast, I triple-dog dare you!)

1.) Political Parties will be banned. Also, all members of Congress will be forced to read the bills they vote on and actually think for themselves when voting on them. This means new laws will all be written in plain English again since even the Lawyers that get elected to Capitol Hill still can't understand much of the Legalese in most legislation. I HAVE SPOKEN!!!

2.) BHO must be removed from office and prosecuted for his many crimes against the Constitution. The execution should also be nasty and public, preferably with a worldwide broadcast via Network Television and the 24-hour cable news channels. It's about damned time that those cable news networks proved useful for something, anyway...

3.) ANY politician, regardless of previous political party affiliation (remember, parties have now been banned), that supports gun control measures will be removed from office. The 2nd Amendment is there for a reason. That reason is to give people a way to destroy ANYTHING that threatens their rights, ESPECIALLY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

4.) The 16th Amendment must be repealed, thus eliminating Uncle Sam's ability to act like an Organized Crime Syndicate and rob people via taxation. Leave acting like Tony Soprano to guys like Tony Soprano. They are much better at it and provide much better customer service at a much more affordable price. As Don Vito Corleone once said, A man with a briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. Speaking of which...

5.) The IRS as we know it will be disbanded. In its place will be a new government agency inside the U.S. Treasury that is tasked with collecting donations from citizens and selling Bonds, T-Bills, et al. That is how the Government funded things before the 16th Amendment was passed in 1913 and that is how it should stay FOR ALL TIME.

6.) Obamacare also goes the way of the Dodo. Also, for any of you that say 'It'll be great! It will be just like the VA!' Just remember that the VA is another government institution. They routinely screw up and let people die in the waiting rooms. We can and should do much better.

7.) Common Core goes to Hell as well for reasons I have already stated in this blog on March 9th of 2014.

8.) I will provide a list of the ASSHOLES that made me want to quit the Army. If they haven't left already, Uncle Sam will be required to release these people from the Service ASAP. Trust me on this one, if they managed to piss me off that much, then they shouldn't be anywhere near the military. That's just a good way to set them up for a failure involving a 'friendly fire' incident. (No, it's not necessarily going to be me that shoots these assholes, either.) I am a LOT more patient and understanding of you lunatic neuro-typicals than any of you may think. However, these people pushed that patience way beyond its breaking point far too often for anyone's own good.

If they protest (as I'm sure many of them will), then they will be dumped somewhere horrible with some convicted rapists, mass-murderers and other psychos. Then, they will be made to compete in a real-life Hunger Games. That should prove to be VERY amusing... I look forward to when one of them manages to survive, only to discover that we lied to him about getting a night with Jennifer Lawrence as his prize. The look on said Shitbag's face will be priceless. After all, I have seen the recently leaked nude photos of her. I can tell you that she really is as gorgeous (and all-natural) as she appears.

In fact, forced participation in these Hunger Games (which, just for the Hell of it, will take place in a dangerous locale like the Lower 9th Ward) should be the method of BHO's execution. That sorry sack of politickin' shit wouldn't last 5 minutes in a real ghetto filled with people who don't give a shit about some 'community organizer'... Whatever the Hell that is...

9.) I will be made honorary Emperor of Louisiana & Mississippi. Why? Because every ego-maniac needs an empire and I don't feel like leaving home again. THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN. (And this is one of the reasons why I said at the beginning that I would need a Consigliere.)

10.) I will be paid the sum of One Hundred Million Dollars TAX-FREE everyday for the rest of my natural life. That is the amount of money it will take to get me to even consider dealing with Uncle Sam's BULLSHIT ever again and I am most likely charging too little. Offer anything less and you can kiss my Sicilian ass.

11.) As Emperor (which will always be a largely ceremonial position), I will have the power to officiate at weddings and serve as King of Carnival in my own Mardi Gras parade. This way, it looks like I'm doing SOMETHING to earn those massive One Hundred Million-Dollar-A-Day paychecks.

Not that it really matters, though. I planned to invest much of those paychecks into the local economy through various charities like:

A.) Charity/children's hospitals

B.) Retirement homes

C.) Halfway houses

D.) Education grants and...

E.) A charity I'd like to set up for the Homeless Veterans of the Greater New Orleans area. With the large homeless population we have in this city, there's bound to be more than a few of them that are veterans. That will be the subject of a future blog post.

Also, You can bet that my parades will be the most sinful and entertaining parades of them all. We'll have strippers, fire-breathers, carnival barkers and all manner of circus freak (along with the usual freaks that live in New Orleans) on proud display performing their craft for the enjoyment of the public. It will also be MANDATORY that the cops turn a blind eye to people drinking in public along my parade's route. It wouldn't be carnival season if you couldn't make a TOTAL DRUNKEN ASS out of yourself in public. :P

12.) The same Mad Scientists that invented George Bush's infernal weather machine will be placed in my employ so they can help me build a Death Ray. This technology, once throughly checked/approved by the Imperial Mad Scientist Morgus the Magnificent, will be mounted on the rooftop of my fortress/citadel, ships, planes, tanks and orbiting satellites. If anyone threatens my beloved Republic or my Empire (That's the USA or Louisiana & Mississippi, respectively), they will be VAPORIZED with extreme prejudice. Muhuhahahahaha...

13.) As Emperor, I will force the Federal government to quit fucking around and actually complete that levee system that they promised after Hurricane Katrina struck in 2005. It will be finished and maintained by a private construction firm that will be held accountable to Me, the State and the Federal Government.

14.) The Coastline will also be restored with all due haste and at all costs. That natural hurricane barrier is likely to do a much better job than anything we Humans can create for the foreseeable future.

15.) 'Beer:30' will become an actual time of day. It will also be respected as an official break in the workday by employers. I think 2:30 in the afternoon should be good for Beer:30. What say you, dear readers? (And I now emulate Julius Caesar and get elected 'Dictator for Life' in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...)

16.) As Emperor, I will not wait for the Imperial Senate to enact Beer:30. I will use my pen and my phone to issue an Executive Imperial Order that Beer:30 becomes legal and MANDATORY throughout my Empire. (See Barry, that is how you issue an executive order, son. :P)

17.) I'll need an Imperial taste-tester to taste my meals and the meals of my family. Preferably, it should be some Shitbag that I won't miss if he ends up getting poisoned. I can think of a great MANY names for that list... And, surprisingly, only about half of them are Shitbags I met in the Army. Go figure...

18.) Then again, that shitbag that managed to survive the Lower 9th Ward Hunger Games might need a new job... Ah, nevermind. I don't need that asshole, whoever he winds up being, anywhere near me. Fuck that guy.

19.) I will also make sure to NEVER play Golf, especially after hearing about one of my citizens very foolishly going to the Middle East and getting beheaded by a fucking terrorist group. The only exception will be a good golfing video game like Ninja Golf for the Atari 7800. Yes, such a game actually exists. I wonder why no one has ever tried to use that concept again. It was a pretty cool game...

20.) Since Commiefornia insists on doing everything it possibly can to drive every aspect of the film business away, I will offer numerous incentives for the Porno business to follow Mainstream Hollywood to South Louisiana. Think about it, Porn world. It could be a great benefit to you for all of the following reasons:

A.) The costs of living and doing business are MUCH lower here than California.

B.) The state government tends to leave businesses alone. (Although, the New Orleans city council tries to squeeze businesses far too much, which is why we had so much trouble attracting businesses here for so long. I recommend you set up shop in Jefferson Parish like most of the other local businesses.)

C.) The women are a LOT more scandalous down here. (Thus, making them theoretically more willing to star in a porn flick...) And, most importantly...

D.) The women down here more often than not have large, NATURAL boobs instead of plastic ones. Don't ask me why but, it certainly seems to be true. The locals suspect there's something in the water. I think the small-busted women just aren't getting as much action... [/Natural Selection is a HARSH mistress]

21.) The War on Drugs must be immediately suspended. It failed a long time ago and you're making criminals out of dopey potheads who never do anything but vegetate on their mother's couch. Rapists, murderers and politicians belong in jail cells. Not harmless idiots who just want to fry their brains with narcotics.

Yes, I know that drugs lead to horrible things. No, I don't think we should keep them illegal. That just played right into the hands of various foreign drug cartels in Latin America, Europe and Turkey. (Pablo Escobar, Cali Cartel, the drug lords that currently own Mexico, The French Connection, et al.) Instead, we will regulate and tax the shit out of it like Colorado does right now with Marijuana. It's worked pretty well for them. Why shouldn't it work in the rest of the United States?

Remember, this is coming from a guy who has never abused a narcotic substance in his life and never will. If you really want to live in a FREE Republic, that means tolerating things and people that you find disagreeable/morally abhorrent. Do anything else, and you are making the Founding Fathers roll over in their graves.

22.) DJ's that incessantly talk on the radio, not to mention over the damned song that just started, will be charged an exorbitant fine. The fine is $100 per second. I fucking hate when DJ's talk over the song! This isn't the 1980's. No one is taping songs off the radio anymore. You don't need to talk over the song to ruin someone's bootleg recording ASSHOLE!!!

(This is another good reason why I said I'd need a Consigliere to keep me from getting drunk with power back in talking point number zero. Even if my abuses of power as Emperor are popular, they are still an abuse and it can quickly get out of hand. I don't want to become the next Nero or Caligula.)

23.) Police departments will NOT be allowed to have any excess military hardware from the Department of Defense. There is no reason why a small town sheriff in Middle America needs a fucking tank or an armored personnel carrier.

24.) All Honorably-discharged Veterans must be paid at least 10% disability from the VA for life for being traumatized by:

A.) The Army's USELESS yearly online training requirements

B.) The broken DOD websites containing those courses AND...

C.) The 'Death by Powerpoint.'

Trust me, having to put up with that crap that was OBVIOUSLY coded by a bunch of script kiddies has left us all with a mental disability/ZERO tolerance for online BULLSHIT. We deserve at least 10% for that...

II.) Personal concerns

0.) Carnival Season and Mardi Gras are to become a National Holiday. Period. No debate. No compromises. America, you can thank me later after the hangover wears off. ;)

1.) If at all possible (and I certainly hope I can be charming enough), the Redhead of my dreams will become my new bride, Empress... and the mother of a great MANY children. And I have a few pictures to show those of you who are too chicken to follow that hyperlink to her Facebook page in the first sentence of this particular talking point...

Here she is without (much) Make-up...

Here she is with her face all dolled up for a photo-shoot or, maybe a night on the town...

Here she is being all nerd-sexy with those glasses... [/HOTTEST Lab Assistant for my Mad Scientist ass EVER!!!]

Here she is looking very sexy supporting my home team...

And here's a barely safe for work pic from one of her more memorable Playboy shoots...

Feel free to take a break if you need to go to your bunk. ;)

I'd love to tell you just how hot this little minx gets me going but, I get too tongue-tied when I try. Fortunately, Ace Frehley already said it all for me in the single for his new album, Space Invader. Rock on, Ace! \m/O_O\m/

2.) The Empress and I will have a nanny/babysitter/Real-life Mary Poppins to help with all the kids. Every couple with kids should have a good nanny/babysitter. Especially when there will probably be at least a half-dozen of the little hellions running around... May God and my Mad Science help her to keep her figure...

3.) There will be an 'imperial pre-nup' in place to protect my ass (and considerable assets) in case the Empress decides to leave. That should be pretty unlikely since I am such a loving gentleman (STOP LAUGHING!!!) but, it never hurts to be prepared for all imaginable contingencies... Especially the ones you would naturally dread the most... [/Divorces are terrible]

4.) I will never let the Empress cook anything for me when she's mad at me for any reason, especially if she ever reads this list. She might use that as an excuse to poison me. After all, she is a Redhead. That means there's a much higher potential for craziness here than with any other kind of woman. Despite that, I love her anyway. I am such a sucker for that red hair... :)

5.) Despite popular myth based on the insane ramblings of an asshole cartoon character, She does not lack a soul. She can't steal my soul, either. Jokes made about 'soul-stealing Gingers' in her presence will be punishable by having to face her wrath. And if that happens, may Heaven help you... ;)

6.) EVERYTHING on my various wish lists (Home Video, Music, Games, Books, Arcade machines, et al.) will be fulfilled and delivered to the location I provide. Amazon and other retailers should make a shit-ton of money from this one...

7.) I will be given a new (or classic in excellent condition) sports/muscle/luxury car for every day of the Leap Year. In the interests of brevity, I won't put that list of 366 cars here. It will just have to end up being a future blog post. However, I can tell you that the vast majority of the vehicles will be from the Detroit Big Three. The list will also be comprised of a LOT of Corvettes and Bad-Ass Buicks.

8.) I'll also need a custom parking lot and parking garage for those cars. It must be fully enclosed to protect the cars from bad weather and flying debris during Hurricanes.

9.) Considering the MASSIVE amounts of petroleum these cars will use, I'll also need stock in an oil company to keep them properly supplied. I prefer either Sunoco or ChevronTexaco since their fuel is usually the best. Appreciable amounts of stock in the Big Three automakers and a gas station near the parking garage will also be required.

10.) I have the perfect place to use for my fortress/citadel/indoor car garage: The Galleria building in Metairie, a suburb of New Orleans. Getting 100 Million Dollars a day, I doubt purchasing the building and converting it into my new Imperial Palace/Mad Scientist laboratory should be difficult. 21 floors and a large parking garage do present a lot of good possibilities. There could be a whole floor dedicated to each of my hobbies. One that's just a massive library for all my books... One that serves as a collection of home theaters for my movies and TV shows on some home video format (VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, et al.)... One that's a huge arcade for all of my video games, pinball tables and other amusement devices... Etc. Etc. Etc.

11.) By my Imperial decree, KISS will be declared the Hottest, Coolest and Loudest band in all of Space and Time. The Doctor and his TARDIS will be contracted to travel through time and confirm this for me. (Doctor Who reference, FTW.)


12.) This 'Autism Spectrum' CRAP that the shrinks put into the DSM-V will be made to go away in a revised edition called the DSM-VR. Classical Autism, PDD-NOS and Asperger's Syndrome will all be treated as the SEPARATE conditions they really are. If Doctors truly want to treat their patients, they will just have to suffer the burden of doing a little extra paperwork. THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN!!!

13.) Speaking of Bullshit related to Autism, ALL children living in my Empire will be vaccinated. The only exception is if they are allergic to something in the vaccine.

I don't care about whatever religious objections you have.

I don't care if you're retarded enough to believe anything that Jenny McCarthy says about vaccines having the devious/seemingly magical ability to poison a child into becoming autistic. (And it truly pains me to realize that many otherwise intelligent people actually believe that Bullshit...)

I don't care how massively butt-hurt you get over it, either.

I do not want any epidemics and public health crises in my part of the world. Especially if it's something that has already been controlled and virtually eradicated via vaccinations.

And no, your various constitutional rights to participate in a form of social idiocy (i.e. taking part in an organized religion) does NOT make you exempt from your responsibilities as a parent or a member of society. You will NOT endanger the general public just because you decided to be fucking retarded. Once again, THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN!!! (Not to mention a Federal court...)

14.) The Emperor will need guitar lessons. If I am to have a Rock Star's ego, then I should also have a Rock Star's talents and playing abilities. \m/O_O\m/

15.) I will need to get laser eye surgery. These glasses prove to be a real annoyance at times and I'm not crazy about contact lenses.

16.) As a special gift to the people of my beloved hometown, I'll find a way to bring back the Ponchartrain Beach amusement park and keep it profitable.

17.) As another special gift to my hometown, I will make sure that the House of Shock does NOT close after Halloween 2014. Seriously, what kind of BULLSHIT is going on around here? As long as I am Emperor, I will find a way to keep this beloved haunted house going every year. THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN!!!

18.) As a special favor to car lovers everywhere, I'll find a way to convince GM to bring back the Buick Riviera and Grand National.

19.) Last but not least, we need to discuss the Imperial Crown. It will be made of gold and shaped like the Olive Branch crown of the Roman Emperors. However, instead of Olive Branches, this one will be made to resemble Euphorbia Milii. If nothing else, literally wearing a Crown of Thorns should remind me to NOT get too cocky. Just because I'm an Emperor does not mean that I am above everyone else. I am and forever shall be Publius, a man of the People. Besides, True Leaders know that, in the grand scheme of things, they are not really the leaders. They are the Servants.

20.) For those who still think I'm being a whiner or whatever about leaving the Army...

And if you're one of those poor dopes in the Army with very minimal education (i.e. a High School diploma or a GED)...


Lord Publius
Honorary Emperor of Louisiana & Mississippi

Monday, September 15, 2014

15 things I'm grateful for...

One of the good NCO's from my time in the Army decided to mention me in one of those silly Facebook trends, challenging me to name 3 things I'm grateful for over the next 5 days.

I'm not going to have time for that so, I'll put all 15 reasons I can think of here instead.

1.) I'm grateful that no one seems to get annoyed with me putting a lot of lists in this blog.

2.) I'm grateful that I'm no longer working for the Federal Government in any capacity.

I've already explained why at great length here.

3.) I'm glad that my only potentially serious health problem that is any real worry is being a little overweight.

Of course, it was the Army that told me I was overweight. I'd like to see what a Doctor not working for the government would say. Some people are naturally going to be more stocky than others. Looking at the folks on my mother's side of the family, I can easily believe that there's a 'fat gene' at work there. (Sorry I couldn't think of anything other than the term 'fat gene'.)

4.) I'm glad that my feet don't hurt.

Anyone who served with me in C Co. 551st SIG BN @ Fort Gordon will get the reference... And have a good laugh...

5.) I'm glad that I now have a good job that actually pays well.

6.) I'm glad that job will actually allow me to help people, which the Army did not.

7.) I'm glad I don't have any kids to feed right now, mostly because I can't afford it yet and I prefer to be married before having kids.

8.) I'm glad that I don't drive an import.

9.) I'm glad that I got to spend some time with at least a few of my friends after coming home from the Army in late April.

Too bad that I didn't get to see more of them but, that's how it is when you join the Service. You're off in a tax dollar-funded bizarro world and their lives move on without you. At least they didn't forget about me...

10.) I'm grateful that I own land.

11.) I'm insanely happy about the prospect of getting to wipe out my remaining student loans sometime in the next few months.

12.) I'm grateful for some peace and quiet.

13.) I'm deliriously happy that I will never have to do another stupid PT test or go running again.

Running never kept me in shape and that PT test doesn't do a good job of accurately measuring physical abilities anyway.

14.) I'm glad that Social Media exists.

Without it, I wouldn't be able to stay in touch with all of my myriad family and friends across the world.

15.) I am thankful for Redheads and the love (not to mention considerable amounts of lust) they tend to inspire in me.

And despite popular belief, they do have souls.


16.) I'm also happy that I was born with Asperger's Syndrome too.

Despite whatever supposed drawbacks it has, the advantages are so worth the hassle. It's awesome being a naturally-born Mad Scientist who derives all the secrets of Space and Time for my own amusement. It's like I'm The Doctor without a TARDIS!!! Besides, you Neuro-Typicals wouldn't know how to create and maintain civilization without us working behind the scenes all these millennia. Who do you really think developed the concepts of language, law, mathematics, science, engineering and agriculture?

I will not be following the social convention in this particular trend/online game/whatever (as if you'd even expect me to consider that idea) and challenge anyone else to follow suit.

- Lord Publius

Friday, September 12, 2014

Dad's old Atari (Gaming Creepypasta)


"Creepypasta - Creepy stories that float around on the Interwebs." - Urban Dictionary.com


Tom hated the way his life was going right now. His father just died from cancer, his job sucks and his wife just left him. "How could this be any worse?!" He thought to himself. Well, life had an answer for him: having to go through his father's possessions, deciding what to keep and what to sell or give away. Life constantly kicking him in the ass did not do anything to help make him less cynical. He was just happy that his father had willed him the money that was left to him and him alone. That way, his soon-to-be ex-wife couldn't touch it in the divorce proceedings. She'd probably still try, the miserable little witch. However, for once, the law was on his side here.

Most of the unenviable task of 'going through Dad's things' was pretty straight-forward: clothes go to the clothing drop-off next to the local Presbyterian church. Tom would keep his old record collection since no one else in the family seemed interested in old Rock albums from the 1970's and 80's. Tom's mother would keep his daily driver car, a 2009 Chevy Impala. Dad's old classic 1964 Buick Riviera was put up for sale in the paper last week. It quickly sold to a newly rich 21 year old woman who inherited some money from her dead grandmother's estate. She said something about taking it to California for a photo-shoot. She must have been an aspiring model or actress. Tom was sad to see it go but, Mom needed the money. The $20,000 the young woman paid in cash was going to be a lot of help to Tom's mother over the foreseeable future.

While piling his father's clothes into a plastic bin, Tom noticed a small black plastic box in the back of the closet. It was right next to the fireproof safe Mom and Dad used for their important documents. It was locked with a combination lock using tumblers instead of the rotary dial used on most combination locks. "I bet that I already know what the combination is too." Tom thought as he fumbled with the tumblers, inputting what he thought was the combination. He guessed right. The lock opened as soon as he set the tumblers to the right number and then pushed the lock in on the shackle. "1964. Just like the model year of that old car he loved so much..."

Tom opened the box and, for the first time in a week, actually smiled. What he found was an old Atari 2600 that belonged to his dad as a child in the late 1970's and early 1980's. "It was here in the closet all this time? I thought Dad had sold this off years ago..." He thought to himself. He suddenly had a rush of memories of playing this console with his dad as a kid in the late 1990's. His dad wanted him to know what video games were like 'in the old days' long before the N64, which was Tom's childhood console. Such happy memories...

At the end of the day, Tom took the box with the old Atari stuff home with him. He already knew he wasn't going to be able to hook it up to his modern flatscreen HDTV. Not only was it missing that manual RF switch but, this console was made for an interlaced signal, not progressive scan like modern TV sets. After a few minutes of online research, Tom discovered the solution to his problem was remarkably easy. All he'd need was a cheap adapter from Radio Shack for the console's RF cable called a 'F-connector male to RCA (phono) female' Audio Coupler. That would allow the console to screw directly into the coax port that was on the back of the DVD/VCR combo deck that was plugged into his TV.

The next day, he gathered all the parts he'd need and set up this now ancient gaming console to his new TV. It was a rather strange sight seeing an old black and woodgrain box with 6 switches on it next to his far superior PS3 and classic N64. And somehow, it also seemed very right. They all complimented each other very well.

While digging through the cartridges in the box, he sees a lot of old favorites. Asteroids, Missile Command, Battlezone, Solaris, Yars' Revenge. Good times were had with these old games. There were also a few titles that didn't age well or were just plain terrible from the start, like Starship and Pac-Man. Tom did an online search for a few of these games the previous evening to see if the games are worth anything now. He was disappointed with the results. There's no longer much demand for these among collectors, both because they are primitive and also very common. You can find them at virtually any garage sale on any given weekend anywhere in America. "So much for inheriting a potential gold mine...' Tom grumbled.

Missing his father terribly and wanting to feel close to his spirit in the great beyond, he finally puts a cartridge in the system and begins to play. And then another a few minutes later. And then another. And then another. Some of them are as fun as he remembers. Others are so primitive and weird that he can't decipher how they work. Too bad that Dad didn't keep the boxes and instruction manuals. On games this old, that might have helped a LOT. Before he realizes how much time he's spent with the old games, he looks out of the living room window and notices the sun beginning to set. He completely lost track of time because he was enjoying the nostalgia trip and having fun.

He starts putting all the cartridges back into the plastic box where he found them. That's when he noticed something at the bottom of the box underneath a layer of cartridges he still hadn't tried. At the bottom of the box was a small, locked metal box with a key taped to the top. Tom was confused as to what this box was and what could be inside. Is it cash? Documents like a few stocks or savings bonds? Did Dad have a small pistol that Mom didn't know about and wasn't accounted for in his gun collection? Was it a porno stash? And why does it have a sticker saying 'DANGER' on its lid? That was beyond strange...

Tom put the small, locked metal box aside and sold off the old Atari games on eBay. He got $50 for the lot and wondered if he got ripped off. A few days later, he noticed the locked box was still sitting on the desk in his home office. His curiosity got the best of him and he decided to open it and examine the contents. He put the key in the lock and turned it to the right. He could feel the locking mechanism release and then, he opened the lid.

Upon opening the box, he understood why his father had put a DANGER sticker on the lid. He instantly recognized the contents and shrieked in horror at what he saw. It was truly an abomination! "No wonder dad had this locked away!" Tom thought, barely able to remain semi-coherent in even his own mind's inner dialogue. Such was his terror!

What he saw truly was an unholy terror. It was an evil the likes of which should be buried deep in the Earth, so that it might never be seen again by human eyes. Indeed, many examples of this particular object, according to legend, actually were buried in a New Mexico landfill. What was the accursed, unholy object? What could inspire such fear in a man?

Why, it was just an old Atari cartridge.

However, it was not just any old Atari cartridge. It was the cartridge.

It was that one, special cartridge that every gamer knew...

That one cartridge that every gamer feared...

The cartridge containing the most unholy 16kb of 6502 Assembler code to ever exist...

It was...

And Tom was never seen or heard from again...


For now...

Thursday, September 11, 2014

9/11, 13 years later

I was at home, asleep in my bed. Suddenly my father sticks his head in the room and says 'Wake up. We've been attacked.' At first, I'm a bit confused. Did World War III just start? If so, he sounds awfully calm about it...

I turned on the TV in my room. I saw a local news report from a station using the call letters WCBS-TV. I found that to be rather confusing since that's a local station in New York City and I live in New Orleans. What's even more strange is that I left my TV tuned to VH-1 the night before when I turned it off. (Back then, VH-1 played music instead of reality TV garbage.)

After a few seconds (or minutes, I don't remember which now), the camera switched from scenes of panic, pandemonium and sheer chaos on the street to a helicopter or a camera on a rooftop somewhere. I see one of the two towers of the World Trade Center on fire. The news man talking on the TV says a plane hit. From the damage and the fire burning, I could tell it wasn't just a Cessna or some other small aircraft. A small palne did hit the Empire State Building a few years before so, planes hitting buildings wasn't exactly a complete surprise.

Then, I see the second plane hit the second tower. That was sure as hell no accident. I could see what Dad meant. It wasn't World War III (yet) but, we were definitely now at war. And I already knew the name of the enemy...

"Bin Laden, you miserable Son of a Bitch! Right as I was beginning to develop some respect for the Arabs for the contributions y'all made to world history and you just HAD to go and fuck that up!"  My 19 year-old self said.

I spent the rest of the day in my living room, watching New York go straight to a place worse than Hell on a 60" TV. As my anger grew (not to mention concern for people I knew who lived in or often visited New York), I remembered a quote from the ancient Roman historian Tacitus that seemed quite appropriate to the situation...

"Valor is of no service, chance rules all, and the bravest often fall by the hands of cowards."

It's now 13 years later. Bin Laden is dead, thanks to SEAL Team Six. His terror group, Al-Qaeda, is a disorganized mess. We've been at war ever since that dreadful Tuesday morning and we still will be for the foreseeable future. The world is probably more of a socio-political mess now than it has been in generations. And all of this happened because of some rich religious nut named Osama Bin Laden getting angry at the Saudi Royal family.

Binny Boy was pissed that the Saudi King begged the United States to put boots on the ground in his kingdom to protect it from another mad Arab named Saddam Hussein. After that monster invaded the nearby kingdom of Kuwait, almost everyone in the Middle East banded together into mutual defense pacts and asked America for help.

So why was Binny so angry at the King for these actions? Apparently, that ugly bastard Bin Laden was a religious fanatic and didn't like foreign armies being in Muslim holy lands. Never mind the fact that his government invited us. Not to mention the fact that those armies we sent protected those 'holy' lands from a brutal dictator bent on conquest. Oh no! That didn't matter to this rich, religious fanatic asshole. He also seemed to conveniently forget that when one of his sons needed medical treatment in the 1980's (or was it the 1970's?), they traveled to America so they could have the best quality care.

Binny got to be so much of a problem that the Saudi Royal family actually exiled him, seized his lands and froze his financial assets. Quite a fall from grace for the son of the contractor who built the royal palaces and new modern mosque in Mecca. By that point though, it was too late. He had already learned how to fight a guerrilla war and run a terrorist group by fighting with the Mujahideen in Afghanistan during their war against the Soviet Union in the 1980's. He had also founded Al-Qaeda and was getting his finances from other sources.

The Saudi royal family did try to warn us but, it fell on deaf ears. The Clinton Administration was not all that great at dealing with foreign policy issues. Clinton even had 11 different chances to whack the son of a whore but, never did. It would always be canceled at the last moment because of some unforeseen concern.

Truth be told though, I doubt it matters now. War between Radical Islam and the rest of the world was inevitable. The rest of the world is rapidly moving to the future. Radical Islam is terrified of any kind of social change and wants to drag us all back to the 12th Century, where their society had stopped progressing and stopped advancing their technology.

The war between these radical nut-jobs and the rest of Humanity will drag on for years to come but, they have already lost. Their own people are turning on them now. Could you have imagined women in their society publicly criticizing a group like ISIS back in 2001, let alone shitting and menstruating on the ISIS flag as a protest? Well, it happened here in 2014. That NSFW link was pretty disgusting but, it was also quite brave. Those chicks have a serious set of metaphorical balls.

Anyway, the rest of Humankind will continue to move towards that next great social leap; becoming a Type-1 Civilization on the Kardashev scale. The terrorists will continue to act like animals and barbarians, proving to everyone that they are definitely the wrong side to take. If you have to film yourself cutting off a journalist's head with a dull knife then, you have already lost the moral high ground. Coldblooded murder doesn't make you look like a Freedom Fighter or a Saint, Dumbass.

Nowadays, I've become cynical about the whole thing and I'm just waiting for one of these desert rats to get nuked by pissing off the wrong country. I can see Putin's Russia or Red China doing that one day. I think the only reason America hasn't done it yet is because we value Human life and don't purposely harm civilians. It would also probably be morally wrong and illegal under the international Laws of War, including the Geneva Conventions, to use that much excess force. You don't necessarily have to vaporize an entire civilization to eliminate them as a threat.

Still, as sad as this day was, is and forever shall be, I see it as the last act of truly frightened, desperate and ultimately tiny little men. Hopefully, one day the Arab world will grow up and learn to live in the 21st Century world with the rest of us. The alternative is the wholesale slaughter of their entire region of the world by pissing off the wrong group of people. For their sake (not to mention wanting to avoid seeing a shitload of nuclear radiation and fallout floating across the world in the jet stream), I sincerely hope they see reason and just quit acting like a bunch of tiny dicks.

- Lord Publius

Sunday, September 7, 2014

A few things about 'The Fappening'

EDITOR'S NOTE: This post is directed at the horny teenaged boys that hacked the iCloud and stole the private photos of over 100 female celebrities, as one man to another.

0.) First off, I think the name for this phenomenon is hilarious. Whatever teenage boy (who's also probably a /b/-tard) on 4chan that came up with 'The Fappening' should be given a freakin' medal.

1.) It is very wrong to be stealing, kids. Whoever stole these photos should be prosecuted. The guy who stole Scarlett Johansson's nude photos in 2011 went to jail so, there is legal precedent for it now. Considering how violated the victims feel in this case, a little jail time seems appropriate to me.

2.) Whoever stole these photos should also probably be hired by Apple as a consultant after getting out of jail, since the iCloud is apparently so incredibly easy to hack.

3.) I hope everyone has learned a good lesson from this incident. That lesson being DON'T PUT THINGS YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET!!! Seriously folks, the moment it's on a server/device that is connected to a network, it's no longer private. Keep your sensitive data on a storage medium that is NOT online.

4.) Notice how I don't say anything about these ladies taking nude pictures of themselves? There's several reasons why:

4a.) If I tell them not to do it, they will probably just want to do it even more. Human Nature is funny like that... (Of course, that's assuming the advice/opinions of a veteran using the name of a Roman Consul as a sobriquet for his blog would actually mean something to them...)

4b.) People have been taking naked pictures of themselves since cameras were invented. That phenomenon is never going away.

4c.) No one has a right to tell these people how to live their lives. Just because they are famous and you love their public image/persona does not mean that you own them.

4d.) Everyone has their own brand of kink. And taking nude photos of yourself seems to be a pretty popular one. Who am I to judge?

5.) To all those kids who are apparently upset that Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton didn't want to show off their rather heavenly physique to the world... All I can say to you is that you need to grow up. Women are NOT objects placed here on Earth by God simply for your own amusement and pleasure. If she doesn't want you to see her naked, just move on to someone else that will let you see her naked. There's plenty of variety in the world and you should go out and enjoy it while you're still young enough to do something stupid and fun with them.

6.) That being said, I have seen the pics released in this scandal. Most of them were obvious fakes. Most of the pics in the folder with Kate Upton's name on it weren't even pictures of her. It was just really low-res/shitty selfies taken by wannabe porn stars. The pics that were real weren't even remotely scandalous. They were so tame that they would have made Playboy look more like Hustler. Also, both Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence, from what I could see, are 100% natural. Awesome. :)

7.) Still want to see a pretty picture of Jennifer Lawrence but don't want to get sued by her lawyers? Fine, here's one...

Not what you were expecting? Why not? Did you really think I was going to expose myself to potential litigation? Many assholes have questioned my sanity but, no one questions my intelligence.

Besides, this is probably one of the most beautiful pics of Jennifer that I have ever seen, nude photos included. It really brings out the genuine sweetness in her personality and the color in her lovely eyes. You start noticing things like that about women when you become a mature adult. It's not all about the T&A, kids.

8.) You really don't need any nude photos of any woman, famous or not, just to have a good masturbation fantasy. Take it from a life-long pro. If you have an imagination, porn rapidly becomes almost worthless.

9.) Yeah, I still watch porn videos but, it's more for a good laugh than to give my pet one-eyed monster a pat on the head. The acting is soooooooo terrible. I'm never convinced that the actresses are actually happy about some disgusting pig of a man getting to stick his tongue in her asshole, I don't care how much they moan.

- Lord Publius