However, for the sake of argument, let's imagine it could happen in some parallel universe. What would it take? Well, I have a somewhat short list of what it would take, conveniently split into 2 sections: Political and Personal.
Why would I even waste my time thinking of these things? Well, I was bored. Also, I seem to remember my last company commander going out of his way to stress that I could re-enlist someday in the future. I told him in no uncertain (but still polite) terms that re-enlistment would never happen. He seemed confused by why I wanted out of the military so bad.
I never did get a chance to explain to him just how or why I came to hate being in the Army so much. However, if he reads this and that '17 reasons why I left the Army' blog, he should know. I hope this clears up any remaining confusion, sir... Assuming you even still remember me now...
So, without further ado, I now present to you...
What it will take to get me to go back to work for the Government...
I.) Political Concerns
0.) To avoid any kind of power going to my head, there will be a reasonably sane individual whom I trust employed specifically to keep me down to Earth. Essentially, this person will be my Consigliere. This person's identity will be kept secret from the general public (not to mention the readers of this blog) and his/her salary will be one million dollars per year TAX FREE for the rest of his/her natural life.
Don't worry, it will become obvious why this person will be needed as you continue to read this latest rant/collection of insane ramblings posing as a form of internet comedy/vaguely Libertarian-leaning political manifesto of sorts... (Try saying that run-on sentence 3 times fast, I triple-dog dare you!)
1.) Political Parties will be banned. Also, all members of Congress will be forced to read the bills they vote on and actually think for themselves when voting on them. This means new laws will all be written in plain English again since even the Lawyers that get elected to Capitol Hill still can't understand much of the Legalese in most legislation. I HAVE SPOKEN!!!
2.) BHO must be removed from office and prosecuted for his many crimes against the Constitution. The execution should also be nasty and public, preferably with a worldwide broadcast via Network Television and the 24-hour cable news channels. It's about damned time that those cable news networks proved useful for something, anyway...
3.) ANY politician, regardless of previous political party affiliation (remember, parties have now been banned), that supports gun control measures will be removed from office. The 2nd Amendment is there for a reason. That reason is to give people a way to destroy ANYTHING that threatens their rights, ESPECIALLY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
4.) The 16th Amendment must be repealed, thus eliminating Uncle Sam's ability to act like an Organized Crime Syndicate and rob people via taxation. Leave acting like Tony Soprano to guys like Tony Soprano. They are much better at it and provide much better customer service at a much more affordable price. As Don Vito Corleone once said, A man with a briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. Speaking of which...
5.) The IRS as we know it will be disbanded. In its place will be a new government agency inside the U.S. Treasury that is tasked with collecting donations from citizens and selling Bonds, T-Bills, et al. That is how the Government funded things before the 16th Amendment was passed in 1913 and that is how it should stay FOR ALL TIME.
6.) Obamacare also goes the way of the Dodo. Also, for any of you that say 'It'll be great! It will be just like the VA!' Just remember that the VA is another government institution. They routinely screw up and let people die in the waiting rooms. We can and should do much better.
7.) Common Core goes to Hell as well for reasons I have already stated in this blog on March 9th of 2014.
8.) I will provide a list of the ASSHOLES that made me want to quit the Army. If they haven't left already, Uncle Sam will be required to release these people from the Service ASAP. Trust me on this one, if they managed to piss me off that much, then they shouldn't be anywhere near the military. That's just a good way to set them up for a failure involving a 'friendly fire' incident. (No, it's not necessarily going to be me that shoots these assholes, either.) I am a LOT more patient and understanding of you lunatic neuro-typicals than any of you may think. However, these people pushed that patience way beyond its breaking point far too often for anyone's own good.
If they protest (as I'm sure many of them will), then they will be dumped somewhere horrible with some convicted rapists, mass-murderers and other psychos. Then, they will be made to compete in a real-life Hunger Games. That should prove to be VERY amusing... I look forward to when one of them manages to survive, only to discover that we lied to him about getting a night with Jennifer Lawrence as his prize. The look on said Shitbag's face will be priceless. After all, I have seen the recently leaked nude photos of her. I can tell you that she really is as gorgeous (and all-natural) as she appears.
In fact, forced participation in these Hunger Games (which, just for the Hell of it, will take place in a dangerous locale like the Lower 9th Ward) should be the method of BHO's execution. That sorry sack of politickin' shit wouldn't last 5 minutes in a real ghetto filled with people who don't give a shit about some 'community organizer'... Whatever the Hell that is...
9.) I will be made honorary Emperor of Louisiana & Mississippi. Why? Because every ego-maniac needs an empire and I don't feel like leaving home again. THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN. (And this is one of the reasons why I said at the beginning that I would need a Consigliere.)
10.) I will be paid the sum of One Hundred Million Dollars TAX-FREE everyday for the rest of my natural life. That is the amount of money it will take to get me to even consider dealing with Uncle Sam's BULLSHIT ever again and I am most likely charging too little. Offer anything less and you can kiss my Sicilian ass.
11.) As Emperor (which will always be a largely ceremonial position), I will have the power to officiate at weddings and serve as King of Carnival in my own Mardi Gras parade. This way, it looks like I'm doing SOMETHING to earn those massive One Hundred Million-Dollar-A-Day paychecks.
Not that it really matters, though. I planned to invest much of those paychecks into the local economy through various charities like:
A.) Charity/children's hospitals
B.) Retirement homes
C.) Halfway houses
D.) Education grants and...
E.) A charity I'd like to set up for the Homeless Veterans of the Greater New Orleans area. With the large homeless population we have in this city, there's bound to be more than a few of them that are veterans. That will be the subject of a future blog post.
Also, You can bet that my parades will be the most sinful and entertaining parades of them all. We'll have strippers, fire-breathers, carnival barkers and all manner of circus freak (along with the usual freaks that live in New Orleans) on proud display performing their craft for the enjoyment of the public. It will also be MANDATORY that the cops turn a blind eye to people drinking in public along my parade's route. It wouldn't be carnival season if you couldn't make a TOTAL DRUNKEN ASS out of yourself in public. :P
12.) The same Mad Scientists that invented George Bush's infernal weather machine will be placed in my employ so they can help me build a Death Ray. This technology, once throughly checked/approved by the Imperial Mad Scientist Morgus the Magnificent, will be mounted on the rooftop of my fortress/citadel, ships, planes, tanks and orbiting satellites. If anyone threatens my beloved Republic or my Empire (That's the USA or Louisiana & Mississippi, respectively), they will be VAPORIZED with extreme prejudice. Muhuhahahahaha...
13.) As Emperor, I will force the Federal government to quit fucking around and actually complete that levee system that they promised after Hurricane Katrina struck in 2005. It will be finished and maintained by a private construction firm that will be held accountable to Me, the State and the Federal Government.
14.) The Coastline will also be restored with all due haste and at all costs. That natural hurricane barrier is likely to do a much better job than anything we Humans can create for the foreseeable future.
15.) 'Beer:30' will become an actual time of day. It will also be respected as an official break in the workday by employers. I think 2:30 in the afternoon should be good for Beer:30. What say you, dear readers? (And I now emulate Julius Caesar and get elected 'Dictator for Life' in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...)
16.) As Emperor, I will not wait for the Imperial Senate to enact Beer:30. I will use my pen and my phone to issue an Executive Imperial Order that Beer:30 becomes legal and MANDATORY throughout my Empire. (See Barry, that is how you issue an executive order, son. :P)
17.) I'll need an Imperial taste-tester to taste my meals and the meals of my family. Preferably, it should be some Shitbag that I won't miss if he ends up getting poisoned. I can think of a great MANY names for that list... And, surprisingly, only about half of them are Shitbags I met in the Army. Go figure...
18.) Then again, that shitbag that managed to survive the Lower 9th Ward Hunger Games might need a new job... Ah, nevermind. I don't need that asshole, whoever he winds up being, anywhere near me. Fuck that guy.
19.) I will also make sure to NEVER play Golf, especially after hearing about one of my citizens very foolishly going to the Middle East and getting beheaded by a fucking terrorist group. The only exception will be a good golfing video game like Ninja Golf for the Atari 7800. Yes, such a game actually exists. I wonder why no one has ever tried to use that concept again. It was a pretty cool game...
20.) Since Commiefornia insists on doing everything it possibly can to drive every aspect of the film business away, I will offer numerous incentives for the Porno business to follow Mainstream Hollywood to South Louisiana. Think about it, Porn world. It could be a great benefit to you for all of the following reasons:
A.) The costs of living and doing business are MUCH lower here than California.
B.) The state government tends to leave businesses alone. (Although, the New Orleans city council tries to squeeze businesses far too much, which is why we had so much trouble attracting businesses here for so long. I recommend you set up shop in Jefferson Parish like most of the other local businesses.)
C.) The women are a LOT more scandalous down here. (Thus, making them theoretically more willing to star in a porn flick...) And, most importantly...
D.) The women down here more often than not have large, NATURAL boobs instead of plastic ones. Don't ask me why but, it certainly seems to be true. The locals suspect there's something in the water. I think the small-busted women just aren't getting as much action... [/Natural Selection is a HARSH mistress]
21.) The War on Drugs must be immediately suspended. It failed a long time ago and you're making criminals out of dopey potheads who never do anything but vegetate on their mother's couch. Rapists, murderers and politicians belong in jail cells. Not harmless idiots who just want to fry their brains with narcotics.
Yes, I know that drugs lead to horrible things. No, I don't think we should keep them illegal. That just played right into the hands of various foreign drug cartels in Latin America, Europe and Turkey. (Pablo Escobar, Cali Cartel, the drug lords that currently own Mexico, The French Connection, et al.) Instead, we will regulate and tax the shit out of it like Colorado does right now with Marijuana. It's worked pretty well for them. Why shouldn't it work in the rest of the United States?
Remember, this is coming from a guy who has never abused a narcotic substance in his life and never will. If you really want to live in a FREE Republic, that means tolerating things and people that you find disagreeable/morally abhorrent. Do anything else, and you are making the Founding Fathers roll over in their graves.
22.) DJ's that incessantly talk on the radio, not to mention over the damned song that just started, will be charged an exorbitant fine. The fine is $100 per second. I fucking hate when DJ's talk over the song! This isn't the 1980's. No one is taping songs off the radio anymore. You don't need to talk over the song to ruin someone's bootleg recording ASSHOLE!!!
(This is another good reason why I said I'd need a Consigliere to keep me from getting drunk with power back in talking point number zero. Even if my abuses of power as Emperor are popular, they are still an abuse and it can quickly get out of hand. I don't want to become the next Nero or Caligula.)
23.) Police departments will NOT be allowed to have any excess military hardware from the Department of Defense. There is no reason why a small town sheriff in Middle America needs a fucking tank or an armored personnel carrier.
24.) All Honorably-discharged Veterans must be paid at least 10% disability from the VA for life for being traumatized by:
A.) The Army's USELESS yearly online training requirements
B.) The broken DOD websites containing those courses AND...
C.) The 'Death by Powerpoint.'
Trust me, having to put up with that crap that was OBVIOUSLY coded by a bunch of script kiddies has left us all with a mental disability/ZERO tolerance for online BULLSHIT. We deserve at least 10% for that...
II.) Personal concerns
0.) Carnival Season and Mardi Gras are to become a National Holiday. Period. No debate. No compromises. America, you can thank me later after the hangover wears off. ;)
1.) If at all possible (and I certainly hope I can be charming enough), the Redhead of my dreams will become my new bride, Empress... and the mother of a great MANY children. And I have a few pictures to show those of you who are too chicken to follow that hyperlink to her Facebook page in the first sentence of this particular talking point...
Here she is without (much) Make-up...
Here she is with her face all dolled up for a photo-shoot or, maybe a night on the town...
Here she is being all nerd-sexy with those glasses... [/HOTTEST Lab Assistant for my Mad Scientist ass EVER!!!]
Here she is looking very sexy supporting my home team...
Feel free to take a break if you need to go to your bunk. ;)
I'd love to tell you just how hot this little minx gets me going but, I get too tongue-tied when I try. Fortunately, Ace Frehley already said it all for me in the single for his new album, Space Invader. Rock on, Ace! \m/O_O\m/
2.) The Empress and I will have a nanny/babysitter/Real-life Mary Poppins to help with all the kids. Every couple with kids should have a good nanny/babysitter. Especially when there will probably be at least a half-dozen of the little hellions running around... May God and my Mad Science help her to keep her figure...
3.) There will be an 'imperial pre-nup' in place to protect my ass (and considerable assets) in case the Empress decides to leave. That should be pretty unlikely since I am such a loving gentleman (STOP LAUGHING!!!) but, it never hurts to be prepared for all imaginable contingencies... Especially the ones you would naturally dread the most... [/Divorces are terrible]
4.) I will never let the Empress cook anything for me when she's mad at me for any reason, especially if she ever reads this list. She might use that as an excuse to poison me. After all, she is a Redhead. That means there's a much higher potential for craziness here than with any other kind of woman. Despite that, I love her anyway. I am such a sucker for that red hair... :)
5.) Despite popular myth based on the insane ramblings of an asshole cartoon character, She does not lack a soul. She can't steal my soul, either. Jokes made about 'soul-stealing Gingers' in her presence will be punishable by having to face her wrath. And if that happens, may Heaven help you... ;)
6.) EVERYTHING on my various wish lists (Home Video, Music, Games, Books, Arcade machines, et al.) will be fulfilled and delivered to the location I provide. Amazon and other retailers should make a shit-ton of money from this one...
7.) I will be given a new (or classic in excellent condition) sports/muscle/luxury car for every day of the Leap Year. In the interests of brevity, I won't put that list of 366 cars here. It will just have to end up being a future blog post. However, I can tell you that the vast majority of the vehicles will be from the Detroit Big Three. The list will also be comprised of a LOT of Corvettes and Bad-Ass Buicks.
8.) I'll also need a custom parking lot and parking garage for those cars. It must be fully enclosed to protect the cars from bad weather and flying debris during Hurricanes.
9.) Considering the MASSIVE amounts of petroleum these cars will use, I'll also need stock in an oil company to keep them properly supplied. I prefer either Sunoco or ChevronTexaco since their fuel is usually the best. Appreciable amounts of stock in the Big Three automakers and a gas station near the parking garage will also be required.
10.) I have the perfect place to use for my fortress/citadel/indoor car garage: The Galleria building in Metairie, a suburb of New Orleans. Getting 100 Million Dollars a day, I doubt purchasing the building and converting it into my new Imperial Palace/Mad Scientist laboratory should be difficult. 21 floors and a large parking garage do present a lot of good possibilities. There could be a whole floor dedicated to each of my hobbies. One that's just a massive library for all my books... One that serves as a collection of home theaters for my movies and TV shows on some home video format (VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, et al.)... One that's a huge arcade for all of my video games, pinball tables and other amusement devices... Etc. Etc. Etc.
11.) By my Imperial decree, KISS will be declared the Hottest, Coolest and Loudest band in all of Space and Time. The Doctor and his TARDIS will be contracted to travel through time and confirm this for me. (Doctor Who reference, FTW.)
12.) This 'Autism Spectrum' CRAP that the shrinks put into the DSM-V will be made to go away in a revised edition called the DSM-VR. Classical Autism, PDD-NOS and Asperger's Syndrome will all be treated as the SEPARATE conditions they really are. If Doctors truly want to treat their patients, they will just have to suffer the burden of doing a little extra paperwork. THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN!!!
13.) Speaking of Bullshit related to Autism, ALL children living in my Empire will be vaccinated. The only exception is if they are allergic to something in the vaccine.
I don't care about whatever religious objections you have.
I don't care if you're retarded enough to believe anything that Jenny McCarthy says about vaccines having the devious/seemingly magical ability to poison a child into becoming autistic. (And it truly pains me to realize that many otherwise intelligent people actually believe that Bullshit...)
I don't care how massively butt-hurt you get over it, either.
I do not want any epidemics and public health crises in my part of the world. Especially if it's something that has already been controlled and virtually eradicated via vaccinations.
And no, your various constitutional rights to participate in a form of social idiocy (i.e. taking part in an organized religion) does NOT make you exempt from your responsibilities as a parent or a member of society. You will NOT endanger the general public just because you decided to be fucking retarded. Once again, THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN!!! (Not to mention a Federal court...)
14.) The Emperor will need guitar lessons. If I am to have a Rock Star's ego, then I should also have a Rock Star's talents and playing abilities. \m/O_O\m/
15.) I will need to get laser eye surgery. These glasses prove to be a real annoyance at times and I'm not crazy about contact lenses.
16.) As a special gift to the people of my beloved hometown, I'll find a way to bring back the Ponchartrain Beach amusement park and keep it profitable.
17.) As another special gift to my hometown, I will make sure that the House of Shock does NOT close after Halloween 2014. Seriously, what kind of BULLSHIT is going on around here? As long as I am Emperor, I will find a way to keep this beloved haunted house going every year. THE EMPEROR HAS SPOKEN!!!
18.) As a special favor to car lovers everywhere, I'll find a way to convince GM to bring back the Buick Riviera and Grand National.
19.) Last but not least, we need to discuss the Imperial Crown. It will be made of gold and shaped like the Olive Branch crown of the Roman Emperors. However, instead of Olive Branches, this one will be made to resemble Euphorbia Milii. If nothing else, literally wearing a Crown of Thorns should remind me to NOT get too cocky. Just because I'm an Emperor does not mean that I am above everyone else. I am and forever shall be Publius, a man of the People. Besides, True Leaders know that, in the grand scheme of things, they are not really the leaders. They are the Servants.
20.) For those who still think I'm being a whiner or whatever about leaving the Army...
And if you're one of those poor dopes in the Army with very minimal education (i.e. a High School diploma or a GED)...
Honorary Emperor of Louisiana & Mississippi