So now, we delve into why, despite being a bit of a horn dog (like any Human male that's still drawing breath), I definitely do NOT get off on this kind of kink...
I don't remember the exact date this happened. I think that it was in January or February of 2013. I do remember it was on a Friday night.
1.) A supposed 'friend' that I had in the Army years ago took me to a party without telling me that it was a 'fetish party' for the BDSM crowd. Needless to say, I did not like what I saw and felt about as horrified/disgusted/out of place as I ever had in my entire life.
I have briefly mentioned the individual involved in today's story before with another blog post from June 13th of 2014. And now, we will go into more detail on that individual known only as 'BKD'...
BKD wanted to get me out of the barracks more often. That's understandable and even laudable under most circumstances. The only reason I stayed in my room so much was because I was always mentally/physically exhausted from the work week. I didn't like spending money, either.
He invited me to go to a party with him and this chick he met on the internet. That chick was physically good lookin' and a redhead. Normally a good combination in my book. However, her personality turned me off. Her admitting to doing some 'escorting' on two occasions in the past didn't help much. BKD got rid of her after that night for various reasons I won't mention here. However, I will say that they were very good reasons. Among other things, she turned out to be a bit clingy and psycho. Gee, who would guess that a 'model'/part-time hooker you met on the internet would be mentally unbalanced? I'm just so freakin' shocked...
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| This meme will never get old... |
Anyway, after a brief trip to the Wal-Mart in Frederick, MD, we were off to some town on the other side of the state (I don't remember which one) for this party. I thought it was weird that BKD was so hesitant to even tell me what kind of party this was when I asked. I wanted to make sure I was wearing the right kind of clothes, if I needed to bring something, et al. He simply said that a T-Shirt and Jeans was fine. It seemed strange that he'd be so deliberately vague, but I didn't think of it at the time. I really shouldn't have been so trusting...
We get to the party and they let us in free after showing our military I.D. at the door. Once we're inside, I see a lot of strange set-ups, torture devices and, oddly enough, a coffin. There's also people getting naked and doing the sort of things that they should probably do in private. And no, I'm not talking about sex acts. That came later. I looked at BKD and his date and said 'What the fuck is going on here?!' That's when he finally explains what kind of party this was... If I had used my own vehicle instead of riding with him in his car, I would have immediately walked out and drove back to the base.
Over the next 4 or 5 hours, I saw things that I wish could be unseen. BKD getting naked and being tied-up/whipped by a stranger... His date doing all kinds of weird shit with people and getting a lap dance from an overweight black woman... Seeing that same black woman have random strangers fuck her with various toys she brought along like vibrators and something made with an electric toothbrush... Two very skinny, virtually flat-chested women, one white and one Asian, going down on each-other... That same scrawny white chick getting fucked by a dildo on the end of a Sawzall that was nicknamed 'The Fucksaw'... And really getting off on it too... (And I thought that sort of thing was only mythical!)
Suffice it to say, I was NOT diggin' this scene. It took every ounce of composure and self-control that I had to not go apeshit on these demented perverts! I did not like what I was seeing and made sure not to make any kind of unnecessary eye contact with these weirdos, either. Despite the sick shit I saw there that night, there was no male-on-male activity at all. That's strange considering that just about anything else you can imagine happening in porno actually did happen there that night. Not that I'm complaining about not seeing one queer corn-hole another...
BKD wanted to stick around after the 'party' for a few minutes and talk to people. Even if I wasn't an Aspie, I really would NOT want to talk to these weirdos. I was already about a step away from makin' like Jason Voorhees in that place with all the medieval torture implements hangin' around and he wants to converse with these heathens?! What in the actual Fuck was this dude's major malfunction?! And one of the dudes he talked to at the end didn't even bother to put his pants back on, just strutin' around with his boner out on public display. He was talkin' about how he was an Army veteran and asking BKD about his service. I'm standing there thinking 'Would it kill you to put some pants on, already? It's not like your man meat is really all that impressive anyway, ya fuckin' queer-o-sexual!'
When we finally did leave, I was more than a little relieved. From the tone of the conversation in the car, I got the impression that BKD and his date both felt bad for me. They thought it was sad that I didn't do a damned thing the whole night. I can't say that I was sorry about that...
After returning to the barracks, I quickly got out of BKD's car, said goodnight and made a beeline for my room. Then, I went straight into the shower. BKD's date with the very loose morals actually said to me 'sorry that you didn't meet anyone' or something to that effect. I didn't feel the least bit sorry since that was clearly NOT my crowd. Even if I was into this weird shit, the night still would have been a disappointment. There wasn't a single person there that was even remotely attractive to me.
After that night, I no longer trusted BKD in any way. I never thought of him the same way again. I started socializing with him less and less. He also became more and more of a horrible person over time, for reasons that are unrelated to this story. However, he would never know what I thought and felt about him after that night. That's just how good I am at hiding my true feelings from public view. No one, not even one of my own (supposed) friends could guess what I was thinking, feeling or what I might say/do next. And some people think of Asperger's Syndrome as a disadvantage... Ha! That built-in poker face seems to have served me pretty damned well over the years!
2.) I don't get off on pain... And it wouldn't be natural for anyone to get off on pain, anyway...
Getting beaten with a whip or something is what gets you off? Really? So playing with a pair of tits or having the nice lady touch your peepee isn't good enough? What the fuck is wrong with you?! Seek help, guy... Or gal... Or whatever the fuck you are since you're some demented bipedal shitbag that has a dick, identifies as a pineapple and wants to use a woman's restroom...
Seriously, pain is not supposed to cause pleasure! It's the body's way of telling you that something is wrong!
3.) It tends to attract some real weirdos...
And yes, the BDSM thing does attract a LOT of strange people. If it was enough to freak me out, I promise that it will scare the bejesus out of virtually anyone else. And the things that I saw the weirdos in question doing cannot be unseen...
4.) I don't want to take someone's freedom away, even if they asked me to do so...
It doesn't feel right. It goes contrary to all my beliefs as an American and a Christian. Also, I will never know why someone thinks being physically restrained is sexy. It would cause a great panic in me. I'd be totally unable to defend myself from attack! I don't care how much I may trust the woman that tied me up (and vice versa), that is still something I will not do. It's just a good way to freak out a Veteran with anger/mental health issues and that's not the one you want.
The only time you should take someone's freedom of movement away from them is when they're being arrested or restrained to prevent them from harming anyone. Any other reason, regardless of whether consent is given or not, is something that I regard as completely immoral.
5.) It can be pretty dangerous when you don't know what you're doing...
One of the many things I saw that night that really disturbed me was a young 19 year-old couple engaging in some whipping with the woman on the receiving end. Apparently, these two didn't have a clue that ALL forms of physical activity require proper hydration. She ended up passing out and the guy had to rush to get her some water.
He asked me to watch her while he ran off to go get that water. I sat there with her on the floor, but did not touch her at all. Stupid kids... I should have smoked the shit out of that girl's boyfriend so that they'd never forget to properly hydrate again! That fuckin' dumbass could have gotten his girlfriend killed! If I wasn't so freaked out by everything going on around me, I probably would have too. Who cares if I wasn't an NCO? I'm a good enough actor to fake like I was and make it convincing for both active duty and veterans alike. A lifelong civilian like that dumb kid would have never known the difference.
I can only imagine what might have happened if that dude workin' the Fucksaw messed up... Oh, the horror!!!
6.) I think EVERYONE's sexuality should remain private and OUT of public view.
And the BDSM weirdos attending that fetish party were all too happy to put their depravity on proud public display... inside of an empty building they rented. And I wouldn't be surprised if that was only because of the law and the cold weather outside.
They have a legal right to do what they please, provided they don't violate laws or hurt anyone. However, I never wanted to be a part of those activities, even as just a passive observer trying very hard not to get too visibly creeped out. What BKD did was really shitty of him. I should have known something was wrong the moment he wouldn't give me any details on what the party was going to be like when I asked him. Yet, he kept assuring me that none of that really mattered. I should not have taken him at his word.
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I didn't immediately disassociate myself from BKD. He was still useful as an unwitting mole among the unit's NCO's. He would often tell me what was being said in the NCO meetings with the First Sergeant, especially if it was something about me. (I just couldn't get one moment's peace out of those fuckers...) Funny how no one in that unit (or the others I had) ever realized when I was subtly manipulating them to do my bidding... And it's also really sad that I'd have to resort to such tactics.
Psychological warfare, including goading info out of a soldier with some loose lips, should be reserved for the enemy. It should not be used on the other soldiers in my own damned unit! And how did it prove to be so easy? Are all NT's that naive? I used the same tactics on him (and certain others) that I used on idiot kids in High School and it worked like a damned charm! Hell, I think I might have even told some of them about how I messed with teenage minds in High School for fun and they still never suspected. That leaves me feeling very worried about their ability to maintain sufficient levels of OPSEC.
Also, for what it's worth, I didn't start out with the intention of having them unwittingly do my less-than-noble bidding in that place. The circumstances (which some of them helped create) forced my hand. I didn't like myself or what I was starting to become in those days. That was a major driving force in my eventual decision to leave. Bottled up frustration and rage do not have any kind of positive effects on a man or his soul.
I won't besmirch BKD anymore here. However, I will say this much: When I left Ft. Detrick for my Terminal Leave in April of 2014, I started thinking about which former co-workers I was going to stop talking to/block on social media. He was the first to get ejected from my life. To this day, I am wondering if I should have reported him to a trustworthy NCO (what few there were) or directly to the Inspector General for misleading me that night. Even though nothing happened to me (other than seeing things I didn't want to see), it was still NOT cool.
Several more former 'friends' went off to 'Go-fuck-yourself-land' over the course of the next year. The reason that ALL of them went, including BKD, is because they all turned into assholes. They just couldn't handle the fact that I hated the Army after so many bad experiences (which they freely acknowledged had actually happened) and decided to move on with life. It was like a bunch of cultists trying to shame me into going back to the cult. Not a chance of that happenin', assholes. After all, many of you have read that '17 reasons why I left the Army' post by now. You've also probably seen that post explaining why I will never go back. If those two posts didn't make it plainly obvious to anyone who could read (which only just barely qualifies some of the dopes I met in uniform) why I left, then nothing will.
How sad you all are... Wrapping your whole sense of identity around a crappy government job that can (and possibly will) get you maimed for life or killed. How bad did you get indoctrinated? How bad did your life suck before you enlisted? Being in the military is supposed to be a 'necessary evil' type of public service. You perform those duties when necessary and quickly leave it behind when the mission is done. It's not supposed to be a lifestyle.
There are no words that can possibly express just how glad I am that I will never see any of those poor losers ever again. They are the epitome of hopelessly lost souls. Worst of all, I don't pity them in the slightest. They brought this on themselves by becoming willing servants of that devil called 'Uncle Sam' when they entered his special form of Hell.
Burn in that Hell, you sick fucks. Burn good, too. Preferably with some surplus napalm that somehow didn't get destroyed during the Clinton Administration. After all, if it sticks to kids, it should certainly have no trouble shuffling you off the mortal coil in truly horrifying fashion. Fuck you ALL with a goddamned cactus in the hole on the tip of your dick and get Cancer. I have fucking spoken!
- Publius
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