Sunday, September 9, 2018

What's in an Automobile's name?

What's in an Automobile's name? For someone like me, the answer to that question is 'quite a lot'. Why would a sane and rational individual like me name my cars and treat them like pets rather than just a simple conveyance? Because when you have a good one, your cars are going to be so much more than just transportation. Also, I have noticed with my vehicles over the years that the name they receive often defines their character. And for the rest of their lives with me, every single one of them live up to their name. I have had some trouble coming up with a good name for my new ride, but I think I just found a good one. The rest of this post will (hopefully) explain what I mean.

My first vehicle was a 1984 Dodge Ram conversion van. It was the family transportation for my uncle's family for its first 10 years of life. My father bought it in 1994 and it became our family's transportation. By the time I became its driver in 2000, it was 16 years old and had 300,000+ miles on the odometer. It wasn't long for the world. I never did settle on a name for it before I stopped driving that vehicle. I thought of calling it 'the Beast' or 'the War Machine' after the KISS song, but none of those stuck. That van was too worn out to live up to those names. Sadly, calling it 'the heap' would have been more appropriate. However, I am not about to disrespect a vehicle from a domestic automaker. Especially not when it has so many years of loyal service under its steel-belted radials.


A van much like mine, except with a much better paint job.

The next car I drove was a car that Dad originally bought for my younger brother, a 1982 Buick Riviera. Dad figured that my brother would like a 'Cheap Cadillac'/Pimpmobile like that Riviera since he was a bit ghetto in those days. My brother didn't really hit it off with that car for various reasons. So, Dad handed the keys to me in January of 2001. I drove that car until its death in the summer of 2005.

The Riviera was nicknamed 'Sheila' by one of my brothers female friends. The name stuck because it was all too appropriate. Despite being from a brand named for a Scottish Inventor, David Dunbar Buick, Sheila was still a very Irish girl. She had a really big ass. She drank like a damned fish. (Good thing gas was so cheap back in those days...) She also loved to fight with me on occasion too, as old cars sometimes do. Despite all those things though, she was still one hell of a great ride. No wonder I miss her to this day. It was a classic example of what the French would call 'Amour Fou', or 'crazy love'. I was really sad to see it hauled off by a wrecker to my Great Uncle Charlie's junkyard in New Orleans East. The moment became even more bittersweet when much of the world as I knew it was forever changed by Hurricane Katrina two weeks later. Rest in peace, Sheila.


A 1982 Riviera that is almost exactly like mine.
I didn't have mudflaps on my tires and my door mirrors were body-colored rather than chrome.
Other than that, this car looks exactly like mine did.

A few months later in 2006, the same brother that disrespected Sheila came home from college in California with a truck my father lent to him for his transportation needs. It was the 2001 Chevy S-10 that I have mentioned in several blog posts over the years and, tragically, lost in a terrible accident last month. That brother came home to help us with all the work my father's contracting company got in Post-Katrina New Orleans, including the restoration of my grandmother's house. He left again after a few months, taking a job out in California. He bought a new 2007 Toyota FJ Cruiser before he left and Dad gave the S-10 to me for my needs. (My brother bought a Chrysler in 2012. He traded that for a VW Atlas in 2020.)

Now, back to the S-10's role in this story. I won't repeat myself about the many (mis)adventures I had with that great truck. You can read about that in the post where I eulogized that glorious ride. However, I will say that 'Underdog' really was an appropriate name. That's what it was for its entire life. And just like so many Hollywood movies, this Underdog always adapted and overcame any challenge it faced with me. Oh, what a good Soldier he was... *sniff*

And now, we get to the big reveal of the new (to me) car. It's a 2016 Chevy Impala LTZ Limited, painted Silver.

This is the pic that was e-mailed to me by my connection that helped me find the car.

It has a lot of features that my previous vehicles never had: leather seats, GOOD gas mileage and even a rear spoiler. That 3.6 Liter Direct-Injected 217cid V6 with 300hp & 262 ft.-lbs. of Torque is also a nice feature. It's always so eager to propel the vehicle into Hyperspace at a moment's notice. It's also a car that blends in very easily with the rest, making it hard for anyone else to spot in a crowd. I see several cars just like her on the road every day. Three of my neighbors have their own Impala that look almost exactly like mine. It is just that common.

This car is also a genuine sleeper. A civilian equivalent to one of 007's spy cars. A silent DESTROYER of worlds. Despite having a sedan's body, it definitely has the heart, soul and aggressive personality of a Camaro or Corvette. Even the exhaust pipes sound like a muscle car. Every time I speed up in this car, you can hear that glorious engine sing the song of its people.

VRROOOMMMM!!!

I'm not even slightly surprised by that discovery. We are, after all, talking about a Chevrolet. A car from a brand named after a race car driver and well-known for affordable performance in even the most humble of vehicles. That, and I have driven 2 cars like this one before. I came home for leave twice while stationed at Fort Detrick, MD. Both times, I flew in and rented a car rather than drove my truck back. Both times, I'd insisted on an Impala. Both times, I got a 2012 model in the LT trim level. Both times, I was quite impressed with the vehicle's handling and performance. It felt more like a sports car than a sedan. And some folks wonder why I insist on buying American. :P

Knowing all of this, I still had trouble finding a name for her. And yes, it is a she. All cars are female. Trucks, Vans and SUV's are male. And most crossovers are the automotive equivalent of Caitlyn Jenner: some kind of Tranny weirdo whose very existence makes people feel confused and uncomfortable. (Sorry, LGBT crowd, but you know it's true.) Not to mention they're just a glorified mini-van with a SUV-type of body. As you might be able to tell, I'm not a very big fan of crossover vehicles. Besides the Buick Enclave, which I genuinely do find aesthetically pleasing, NONE of the others ever appealed to me. (UPDATE 14 Mar 2020: A properly equipped Chevy Equinox can also be appealing under the right conditions.)

So, what do we name my new Impala? 'Silver Bullet', while appropriate to the car's look and personality, was just a bit too trite. The 'Stealth Assassin' also works on many levels. However, it just feels too masculine. We need something feminine since all cars are ladies. I did sincerely consider calling it 'The Destroyer', since it is the destroyer of worlds. Destroyer is also the name of my favorite KISS album. \m/O_O\m/ However, that is also too masculine. We need something effeminate. That's when I decided to turn from English to a language that always sounded especially effeminate to me: French. I remember reading about a ship in a Star Trek novel called the Belle Rêve, which the book said was French for 'Beautiful Dream'. That sounds like what the Doctor ordered here!

Google's translator says that 'Beautiful Dream' in French would actually be 'Beau Rêve' instead. However, Google's translator often leaves much to be desired. Beau is the masculine version of the word 'beautiful' in French. However, that doesn't matter. I've decided to just name the car 'Belle', the feminine version of Beautiful. This seems entirely appropriate to me. I'm sure all the native French speakers of the world would also agree on this name for my 'nouveau voiture'. (That's French for 'new car', for those who are curious.) And that's also assuming they aren't screaming Tu es fou! at me for even wasting time by naming a car. ('Tu es fou!' is the masculine form of 'You're crazy!' in French.)

French is also still commonly used in much of this former French colony turned American state that I call home. She also came from a dealership in Lafayette named Acadiana Dodge. That's the heart of Cajun Country. So, why not give the car a French name? GM's Buick division has used names from Latin and Romance languages numerous times over the years. Where do you think they got names like LeSabre, Invicta, Verano and Riviera?

Besides, my car is something of a French gal. Lord knows she's just as forward and eager to please as many American men perceive French women to be, considering their reputation for being excellent lovers. And like so many Americans, I definitely have a lifelong love affair with the Automobile. Even if no one else thinks my new car is beautiful, I still do. And that is what's important, right? So, 'Belle' is definitely her name. It is entirely appropriate. I look forward to many adventures with her over the years: concerts, road trips, etc. We've already gone to a Baseball game. One could argue that we take a nice cruise down a really nice seaside boulevard twice a day for five days a week when I drive to school. Lakeshore Drive is a pretty nice road to drive on when there isn't too much traffic and the sun isn't blinding you.

And while they can't be with us in body, I know all of my former rides will be with us in spirit. Belle may be a sedan instead of a coupe like Sheila was, but she is still very much a personal luxury machine like Sheila. The S-10 is also liable to be with us in spirit since Belle seems to have the same can-do attitude and indomitable spirit. I wonder when she will start regularly exceeding her design limits and start developing emergent properties, like the S-10 often did. And what kind of personality will she have?

All that being said, the S-10 is still with us in one small way. There was something of him that I kept besides many good memories. While the driver's side of that truck's rear end was smashed in the accident, the passenger side was untouched. That means the magnetic decal of the American flag that was there was left intact. (I've put a U.S. flag on all of my vehicles since getting a driver's license.) After finishing all the paperwork to officially make Belle mine, I took that magnetic decal and put it in its proper place according to the U.S. Flag Code: the passenger-side of the rear end.


Decal placed right where the U.S. Flag Code says it should be on a vehicle: The passenger-side rear end.

Let's also hope I can keep this one from getting wrecked like my poor truck too. In another 20 years or so, this car might end up being a collector's item and worthy of restoration. It was happening with my truck and it's also happened with numerous other Impala models. The 1961 model was immortalized by the Beach Boys with a song about its engine, 409. The 1964 model became every rapper's favorite after Easy E mentioned his in a few old NWA tracks. Many other rappers have since followed suit. The 1965 model became the best selling car for a single model year in automotive history by selling over 1,000,000 units that year. Then, there's the 1967 model made famous by the TV series Supernatural. Oh, how much do I love Baby: Dean Winchester's glorious, black 1967 Impala sedan. Like the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek, that car is the real star of the show.

While in the process of getting my Impala, I definitely thought about Baby a lot. Not to mention watching many scenes from the show on YouTube. That car is soooooooo freakin' cool. I have to have one like it some day. Hell, I had even thought of using 'Baby' as the name for a moment, but refrained. It just didn't seem right. Dean's car and mine are two very different animals. Besides, his car was specially ordained by God himself (aka Chuck) to be the 'most important object in the universe'. My new car is pretty damned cool, but it probably won't ever be that cool. Or, maybe it will? No one but God has any idea what the future holds. He has also been known to work in my life in some VERY mysterious ways. I guess we'll see somewhere down the road...

- Lord Publius

UPDATE 13 Dec 2020: I went looking for some specs on the car, but couldn't find the acceleration numbers I wanted for a 2016 Impala Limited. I did find some specs for the 2013 model of the Impala, which is the exact same design as my 2016 LTZ Limited. That is what is presented below.


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