Goths make better lovers? I call Bullshit...

I'm sure most would think that someone who's been marginalized by society his entire life wouldn't make fun of other socially marginalized people but, you'd be wrong. I make fun of just about EVERYTHING in the world, including my fellow Freaks, Geeks and Ill-tempered Psychos. The difference however, is that I do it with Love and a purpose. It's not just to be an Asshole.

I don't know how but, I came across some weird 10-minute documentary about Goths being better lovers on YouTube earlier tonight. So, I gave it a view and decided to offer a brutally honest (and hopefully hilarious) retort.

FAIR WARNING: Some of what I write here may be offensive to thin-skinned individuals. It's not necessarily intended but, I don't care, either. Aspies don't have a brain/mouth filter (as virtually any friend or family member I've ever had can tell you) and I am a HUGE fan of free-expression. So, here we go...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

1.) I thought Goth was more of a fashion choice than anything else. Was I wrong?

2.) What kind of job opportunities do these people even have? I mean besides record stores, tattoo parlors, music bars/nightclubs and other places friendly to (for lack of better term) social misfits?...

3.) Black clothes, black boots, black hair, black lipstick and nail polish... liquid-paper white face. I'm sorry, didn't we use to call that 'Halloween?' - Bill Engvall (I kid, I kid!!!)

4.) Of course Goths stick together for a long time. It's hard to find someone who accepts a lover that is socially marginalized. Birds of a feather tend to flock together. (Ask me how I know. Go ahead. Ask me.)

5.) Goth males are in touch with their feminine side? Well, I guess that precludes me from EVER being one. I don't have a feminine side. Asperger's Syndrome tends to give you an overtly male mentality and thought process. I have even less of an idea of what kind of insanity runs through a woman's mind than any other guy on Earth does. That probably explains why I've never had much luck with the Womenfolk... Besides various communication problems that are rapidly dissipating...

6.) That 'male' at time index 3:25 strikes me as being much more than just 'in touch with his feminine side'... And yet, he probably gets a LOT of action from the opposite sex just because the Goth females don't consider him to be threatening at all. Yep... There is no understanding the craziness that runs through a woman's mind...

7.) As for female Goths... Well, I could see myself getting involved with one if the right one came along. However, she can't have 20 lip rings and several razor blades in her face. That just ain't right... Oh, and NO FAT CHICKS, DAMMIT!!!.

8.) This Goth girlfriend trying to drag me into the fray and becoming part of that sub-culture is also quite unlikely to happen. I may be an oddball but, no self-respecting Paisan is ever going to deliberately make himself look like a fanook. Black clothes certainly aren't a problem, though. I have plenty of those... [/Missing my leather jacket from High School right now]

9.) In what social group is it NOT cool to be intelligent? (Besides the Hoodrats in the ghetto who are 'keepin' it real' for some reason?)

10.) @ the guy and gal at time index 6:20: Oh, so you think you're more adventurous in bed, huh? I call Bullshit. I know plenty of seemingly normal (or at least, normal-looking) people whose escapades would put yours to shame, Mr. I-think-I'm-a-great-lover-because-I-fuck-while-listening-to-Type-O-Negative-records. :P

11.) BTW, Type O Negative kicks ass. I wanna fuck a broad while listening to the October Rust album on vinyl, especially the song Love You to Death. That could be pretty cool. :)

12.) The chick with the pigtails looks pretty good to me. I'd use them for handlebars... (At this point, it should be obvious that I'm just poking fun and being an Asshole for the sake of good nightclub-style comedy.)

13.) There's a guide out there on how to pick up a Goth chick? That deserves a quick Google search...

14.) Found two of them...

- http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Attract_Goth_Chicks

- http://www.wikihow.com/Attract-a-Goth-Girl

15.) And the first thing one of those guides mentions is appearance. Even with people marginalized by society (and probably quite happy that way), looks still matter. Imagine that...

16.) No dating agencies for Goths, huh? Sounds like an open market that can be exploited for profit. :)

17.) So, you Goth types are better lovers because you're less sexually-repressed? Again, knowing some of the FREAKS that I know, I have to call Bullshit. Besides, some people actually employ tact and DON'T discuss their private lives in public. You often never really know people as well as you think. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if some small town pastor in the Bible Belt has a secret sex dungeon in his basement. I just hope it's his wife he's torturing down there instead of a few kids from the Congregation...

18.) Still confused about what exactly constitutes a Goth? Let the comedy singer Voltaire explain it to you...

19.) And here's a video on what Goth is definitely not...

- Lord Publius