12 Things to do when I return home to NOLA

1.) Ride a street car somewhere. It doesn't matter where as long as it doesn't take me into the Ghetto...

2.) Go to the St. Louis Cathedral & thank Jesus that I got out of the Army alive and reasonably well...

3.) Go to Jackson Square and salute the General that saved my city from becoming English...

4.) Go to the Cabildo and curse at some politicians that are long dead, especially William C.C. Claiborne. (Just kiddin' about Claiborne. He was alright.)

5.) Wander around in the French Quarter drinking in public, just because I can. I will also bring long beads with me so I can encourage the females to show off the goods. In the Quarter, it doesn't have to be Mardi Gras day to encourage women to 'disappoint their parents' for long beads. :)

6.) Go to the Old Absinthe House and dance with the green fairy. I hear that she's a lot of fun. ;)

7.) Go to Crazy Johnnie's Steakhouse and have the largest slab of heart-attack-inducing red meat that I can possibly eat/afford. (I'm probably taking home a doggie bag...)

8.) Go to Commander's Palace and have another fabulous meal of some kind... (I'm probably taking home a doggie bag from this place too...)

9.) Go to Marie Laveau's grave and ask a favor of her...

10.) Find the offices for Edwin Edwards' congressional campaign headquarters and donate a million dollars... in Monopoly Money... Which he will then find a way to launder like the convicted felon that he is...

11.) Throw a party like none other with all my friends and family members that want to come, celebrating my permanent return home from government-imposed exile. There should be free-flowing alcohol, loud music, strippers, arcade games, a bouncy castle (you're NEVER too old for a bouncy castle) and a second line for the casket filled with my old military uniforms. That casket will be cremated immediately following me wiping my ass with that stupid beret they put so much emphasis on during BCT.

12.) Start life over with a new zest for everything that really makes life worth living and, this time, appreciate what I do have in life and NOLA rather than worry about what I don't. Besides, things have a way of attending to themselves...

- Lord Publius