In honor of everyone's favorite Catholic holiday-turned fabulous excuse to go out and get drunk...
Vacation
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Women & Whiskey
‘Wasn’t it tragic about my brother Michael,’ moaned Kelly. ‘Women and whiskey killed him.’
‘Is that so?’ sympathized O’Toole.
‘Yes, he couldn’t get either so he hung himself!’
Olives
An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave.
The bartender stops him and asks, “Excuse me but, what was that all about?”
The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”
The Lord works in mysterious ways...
An Irish priest is driving down a highway and is pulled over for speeding. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle beside him. He asks the priest, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
The priest responds, “No officer, just water.”
The policeman asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “The Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Flaherty's devilish wife...
Flaherty comes home drunk every evening, upsetting his wife. One night, she dresses as a red devil and hides in the cemetery to scare him when he walks by. Flaherty walks by drunk and his wife jumps up yelling, “Flaherty, if you don’t give up your drinking, you will go to Hell.”
Flaherty staggers back and demands, “Who the hell are you?”
She replies, “I’m the devil, you old fool!”
Flaherty responds, “Damn glad to meet you, ma'am, I’m married to your sister.”
BEST. FISHING TRIP. EVAR!!!
Pat and Murphy out fishing and the boat motor dies. After two days and drifting miles from the coast, they find a bottle in the water. Pat rubs the bottle and a genie poofs out.
“I will grant you one wish.” says the genie.
Without a thought, Pat says, “I wish to turn the sea into Guinness.”
The genie says, “Your wish is my command.” and the sea turns into Guinness.
Murphy yells at Pat, “You fool! Now, we’ll have to pee in the boat!”
Bringing the wife with you to the Pub...
A woman follows her husband to the pub and takes a sip of his Guinness and asks him, “How can you come here and drink this awful stuff?”
He cries out with a pained look on his face, “And you always said I was out enjoying myself!”
Drinking Buddies
Pat and Mike have been drinking buddies for years. One day, after having a few beers, Mike says to Pat, “We have been friends for years and, if I should die before you, would you do me a favor? I want you to get the best bottle of Irish whiskey and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replies, “I would be glad to do that for you, old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”
The BEST way to go...
Finnegan arrives at Mrs. O’Malley’s door and says, “I’ve something to tell you.”
“Where’s my husband?” asked Mrs. O’Malley.
“There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.” said Finnegan. “I’m sorry, Seamus is dead and gone.”
“Oh God, no!” exclaimed Mrs. O’Malley as she collapsed into a chair and wept.
“How did it happen?” she asked.
“He fell into a vat of Guineas and drowned.” Finnegan explained.
“Oh my dear Jesus! Did he at least go quickly?” Mrs. O’Malley asked.
“Well, no. He got out three times to pee.”
The Toast of the Evening...
Paddy Reilly hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”
So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking buddies in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub last night for a toast about you, Mary?”
She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Vacation
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Women & Whiskey
‘Wasn’t it tragic about my brother Michael,’ moaned Kelly. ‘Women and whiskey killed him.’
‘Is that so?’ sympathized O’Toole.
‘Yes, he couldn’t get either so he hung himself!’
Olives
An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave.
The bartender stops him and asks, “Excuse me but, what was that all about?”
The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”
The Lord works in mysterious ways...
An Irish priest is driving down a highway and is pulled over for speeding. The policeman smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle beside him. He asks the priest, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
The priest responds, “No officer, just water.”
The policeman asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “The Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Flaherty's devilish wife...
Flaherty comes home drunk every evening, upsetting his wife. One night, she dresses as a red devil and hides in the cemetery to scare him when he walks by. Flaherty walks by drunk and his wife jumps up yelling, “Flaherty, if you don’t give up your drinking, you will go to Hell.”
Flaherty staggers back and demands, “Who the hell are you?”
She replies, “I’m the devil, you old fool!”
Flaherty responds, “Damn glad to meet you, ma'am, I’m married to your sister.”
BEST. FISHING TRIP. EVAR!!!
Pat and Murphy out fishing and the boat motor dies. After two days and drifting miles from the coast, they find a bottle in the water. Pat rubs the bottle and a genie poofs out.
“I will grant you one wish.” says the genie.
Without a thought, Pat says, “I wish to turn the sea into Guinness.”
The genie says, “Your wish is my command.” and the sea turns into Guinness.
Murphy yells at Pat, “You fool! Now, we’ll have to pee in the boat!”
Bringing the wife with you to the Pub...
A woman follows her husband to the pub and takes a sip of his Guinness and asks him, “How can you come here and drink this awful stuff?”
He cries out with a pained look on his face, “And you always said I was out enjoying myself!”
Drinking Buddies
Pat and Mike have been drinking buddies for years. One day, after having a few beers, Mike says to Pat, “We have been friends for years and, if I should die before you, would you do me a favor? I want you to get the best bottle of Irish whiskey and pour it over my grave.”
Pat replies, “I would be glad to do that for you, old friend, but would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?”
The BEST way to go...
Finnegan arrives at Mrs. O’Malley’s door and says, “I’ve something to tell you.”
“Where’s my husband?” asked Mrs. O’Malley.
“There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.” said Finnegan. “I’m sorry, Seamus is dead and gone.”
“Oh God, no!” exclaimed Mrs. O’Malley as she collapsed into a chair and wept.
“How did it happen?” she asked.
“He fell into a vat of Guineas and drowned.” Finnegan explained.
“Oh my dear Jesus! Did he at least go quickly?” Mrs. O’Malley asked.
“Well, no. He got out three times to pee.”
The Toast of the Evening...
Paddy Reilly hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”
So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking buddies in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub last night for a toast about you, Mary?”
She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
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