What to do and NOT to do in New Orleans, especially during Carnival season

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- NOLA IS NOT JUST THE FRENCH QUARTER. The whole city is interesting... and some parts are VERY dangerous, especially the Lower 9th Ward and New Orleans East. Don't go there at night or if you're white. Trust me.

See how small the French Quarter is compared to the rest of the city?

- If someone says that they can bet where 'you got them shoes', the appropriate answer is 'on my feet.'

Even worse, the impersonator here
is most likely a Yankee...

- July and August are unusually hot and muggy here in NOLA. Probably NOT the best time to visit if you don't like heat and chronic swamp ass.

Hurricane season runs from June 1st through November 30th.

DO

- DO learn to pronounce the city's name right. It's New-Or-Lens. Not New Orleens or N'Awlins'. That shit was invented by Yankees that can't talk right and various tourism businesses looking to play up the whole Lazy Southern speech angle in their marketing campaigns. It's cringy as Hell and will definitely out you as an tourist/sucker.

And we definitely do NOT need them...

- DO be sure to make reservations at famous restaurants that you want to go to, ESPECIALLY if it's during carnival season. Those restaurants got famous for a reason.

- DO be sure to go to local restaurants that aren't famous. In this city, even the small, sketchy-lookin' hole-in-the-wall places are still usually Zagat-rated.

Both of those eateries are pretty famous here in town, but not around the world.
The crowd shouldn't be too large... UNLESS it's a holiday...

- DO bring cash and your picture ID. Keep your wallet in your front pocket too. 

To be honest, the loose women are probably a LOT more dangerous... And common...

- DO be sure to stay off the side streets, ESPECIALLY at night. There's safety in numbers. Also, be EXTREMELY careful on Frenchmen and Decatur streets. Lots of criminals and homeless folks looking to rob you there...

- DO be sure to periodically wipe off/sanitize the bottom of your shoes. You'll see why after walking around in the French Quarter for a while.

DON'T

- DON'T walk around with alcohol in glassware or glass bottles. Use the plastic go-cups instead. Also, different parts of town have different rules about public alcohol consumption. General rule is that it's a no-go outside the French Quarter.

Other places are very wasteful with their alcohol.

- DON'T piss in a public place. You'll be arrested for that...

- DON'T show off the tits for beads... outside the French Quarter. Even if you do flash for beads in the Quarter, understand that you're taking a risk of getting arrested.

And He is very disappointed in you...

- DON'T feel like you're supposed to stay in the French Quarter. There's a LOT to see and do outside of our world-famous tourist trap of a neighborhood...

- DON'T drive in NOLA, if it can be avoided. Parking is virtually non-existent. The terrible roads are also likely to shake your car's suspension to pieces.

- DON'T leave valuables in a visible spot in your car.

- DON'T be complacent about your safety. There's lots of criminals looking to prey on tourists. LOTS of loose women too...

Facts.

- DON'T worry about being a tourist. The whole city is geared to entertain you. Just don't make yourself look like one. Speaking of which...

- DON'T attract unwanted attention by making yourself look like a tourist. For example, NO ONE but naïve tourists wear Mardi Gras beads when it's not carnival season. DON'T be that guy.

- DON'T screw over the tour guide. Also, stay on the sidewalk when taking a walking tour.

- DON'T spend a lot in those tourist shops in the French Quarter. Most of that crap was made cheaply in China and just had New Orleans branding applied at the factory. If you really want something made by local craftspeople and artists, visit the art galleries or the artists selling their work in Jackson Square. The Jackson Square artists are required by local law to be artists selling their own work.

- DON'T be freaked out by the people taking tours of cemeteries. In NOLA, even the graveyard is a tourist destination with lots of interesting architecture.

- DON'T be too concerned with dragging the kids along. Although, you won't want to bring them into the French Quarter at night. Too many people getting drunk in public and just plain too many people in general.

- DON'T block the sidewalk so you can take pictures. They tend to be quite narrow and people need to get to places.

- DON'T screw with the cops or their horses. They WILL kick your ass.

- DON'T bother trying to get started at the ass-crack of dawn. Getting an 'early start' to the day in NOLA is largely impossible. Many businesses won't even open their doors until 11AM. Restaurants serving breakfast and brunch being obvious exceptions.

- DON'T be in a hurry. We're all laid back here. Why do you think NOLA is called 'The Big Easy'? Besides, moving too quick in the heat is a great way to get Heatstroke. Yes, it is hot enough here for that to be a risk. No, it doesn't matter if you came here during Carnival season in January or February. It will still most likely be hot.

- DON'T be surprised if locals start telling you their whole life story and family history without even learning your name first. Don't be concerned if they immediately start using terms of endearment too. NOLA people are unusually friendly to everyone, even total strangers. Yes, I know. That is weird.

Yep...

- DON'T even think about trying to stick to a diet around here. It won't happen.

- DON'T overdo things on the first night. You don't want to waste a day of your vacation being too hungover to get out of bed, do you?

- DON'T let the drunks puke on you. Yes, this is a problem for those who are careless.

- DON'T underestimate the strength of the alcoholic beverages. They taste like candy so you can lazily sip them while wandering through the city. However, they will have MUCH more booze than drinks anywhere else.

There are French Quarter bars that are dedicated to the end of Prohibition.
They tend to be VERY popular with locals and tourists alike.

And finally, for the love of ALL that is holy, DO NOT mention any hurricanes... Unless you're talking about the alcoholic beverage, which your bartender at Pat O'Brien's will be happy to serve you.

This meme is NOT a joke. 

- Lord Publius