EDITOR'S NOTE: This is the latest in a series of blogs on Aspies and Romance that I have unwittingly created. This is an issue that tends to preoccupy my thoughts so, that is probably why I blog about it from time to time. The others in the series will be referred to throughout the course of this blog. There will also be hyperlinks leading to them where appropriate.
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My shrink seems to think that part of my inability to form lasting romances is because of how Asperger's Syndrome left me 'socially marginalized' in many ways. In other words, I'm not quite a pariah but, I'm also not part of 'the in crowd.' And for many years now, I have been quite happy about that fact. The 'in crowd' are usually assholes. Unfortunately, he also brought up the fact that people in my 'social position' (for genuine lack of better term) tend to intimidate, weird out and/or drive away most people. And that is why most of my friends are 'all the other weirdos' and everyone that society decided didn't deserve to be popular or loved. Gee, sounds like society isn't something that anyone should really want to be a part of when I describe it like that, huh?
I think that he might be missing out on a few things so, I did a little thinking on the subject and came up with a few potential reasons of my own. There will be some very blunt talk in this blog and some profanity as well. You have been warned.
Anyway, those reasons are as follows:
1.) My lack of social skill made me angry, bitter and anti-social at the young age of 10. I never fully got out of that mindset.
Simply put, I'll probably never be a social butterfly. The only exception to this is when I'm surrounded by people with similar interests. Even under those conditions, I may not open up for a while.
How did all of this happen? Well, I did try to be social when I was younger but, no matter what I did, the rest of the kids in school just hated my guts. I can only guess it was because of the strange behaviors I must have exhibited. Since hardly anyone knew what Asperger's Syndrome was in the late 1980's and early 1990's, everyone just assumed there was something wrong with me. The fact that I did not like sports at all didn't help since I was going to a 'religious' school where it seemed that Football was MUCH more important than following in the proverbial/ideological footsteps of Jesus. With few exceptions, there was virtually no one there that could claim to be a decent Human Being, let alone a true Christian. Those are the kind of ASSHOLES that would drive most to atheism. They certainly did a good job of instructing me in just how shockingly messed up, twisted and EVIL that organized religion can be...
It was a different story outside of school, though. I had a lot of friends in the neighborhood. While most of that had to do with the fact that my house was the social hangout for various reasons, I still had plenty of friends. I'm even still in touch with two of them to this day. So, I knew that it wasn't all my fault that I was so unpopular at school. I just didn't know what to do about it until I was 10 and basically just said 'Fuck this shit!'
2.) My behavior and public persona can be quite off-putting and intimidating... just as I had once intended but, now don't know how to change.
At age 10 when I adopted a 'Fuck the World' mentality, I went with it with full enthusiasm. I quit giving a damn about what ANYONE thought of anything and, well, that hasn't changed much. I'm just not as angry as I was back in the day.
Anyway, this behavior tends to leave people feeling confused and intimidated. More than once, I have been told by someone that they 'just couldn't read me.' While that does have a lot of advantages (especially in delicate negotiations and playing Poker), it doesn't help you to get laid.
I have tried to be more open in recent years, with varying degrees of success. Some have been receptive. Some showed just what kind of Assholes they were and VERY quickly got pushed away. Also, the Army has not necessarily been a good place to practice social skills. Many of the people here would be socially marginalized themselves if it weren't for the uniform and all the overt social glorification that comes with it...
Still, I just don't know how to turn off that public persona where I stay stone-faced and unemotional. (Even though I know that scares the shit out of most NT's because they aren't used to seeing that too often...) Like Doctor Frankenstein, I've made a Monster that I no longer have under my (full) control. I don't really know how else to act. It's not like I really ever knew what acting like an ordinary Human Being was like anyway...
3.) My lack of social skill (especially with non-verbal social cues) causes NT's (who seem to honestly think that they are helping) to try and steer me to other people they consider 'socially marginalized'...
That usually means the fatties, uggos and psycho hose-beasts. And those are the kinds of terms that the NT's made up for those poor unfortunate souls. I wouldn't have been that cruel without some kind of serious motivation. For example, that Redhead I fell for in Korea has received no shortage of vitriol from me once things went south between us. And she earned every bit of that vitriol too. I don't like posers and fake-ass people. Almost EVERYTHING that she told me about herself turned out to be a damned lie. Of all the things she did to piss me off, that is the most unforgivable of them all.
Anyway, the NT's try to steer me to these people because they think I'll be happy just to have some Human contact of some kind and vice versa. WRONG AGAIN. Doing that would mean that I had no standards at all. It would also mean that I had no respect for myself or for the woman that the NT's try to steer me to, either. I'd just be taking advantage of that person's loneliness and emotional weakness, which would make me a real Asshole. I will never do that to anyone. Personal Honor and a clear conscience is ALWAYS preferable to relationships that I know to be a lie and/or using someone for sexual gratification.
I've actually ended a few friendships over this particular issue. I would make it abundantly clear that I wasn't interested in dating the women they kept trying to steer me towards. They'd get pissed off and start putting me down and getting quite indignant. I'd just roll my eyes as I deleted/blocked them from my social media accounts/cell phone contact lists and then never bothered to speak to any of them ever again.
I did it to an Army buddy, who apparently wasn't much of a friend anyway. I used this particular issue in a previous blog post to test his loyalty. He failed so miserably that I began to wonder if I really ever knew him at all. What a worthless little shitbag asshole he turned out to be... I'm actually glad that I have no contact with him anymore.
I've also done this to a guy I was friends with for nearly 10 years and his entire family too. Not only did they think that I 'couldn't do any better' but, they were also what popular culture crudely refers to as 'chubby-chasers.' I'd politely tell them that I wasn't interested in 'the big gals' as I put it and they would find it inconceivable. They'd also go on some diatribe about how I was 'chasing after some Hollywood Actress stick-figure', needed to 'lower my standards' or some other such non-sense. In truth, I wouldn't mind dating a woman that looked like Scarlett Johansson. However, it seems a bit unlikely to ever occur. How about some happy medium? Surely someone like that exists.
Anyway, these folks just didn't seem to understand that concept of the 'Happy Medium'... or they just didn't care and wanted to force their views on me. Like that could ever happen... What do they honestly expect? Did they think that I'll ever change my mind and suddenly start fucking someone that disgusted me? I will never be in that kind of dire straits. I have much more control over my libido than just about anyone I've ever met.
I'm told by a mutual acquaintance of ours that they are still mad at me for brushing them aside. Keep in mind that I pushed them away in June of 2008. That's over 5 years ago now. So, not only did they have no life/future/clue but, they are also kind of obsessive. Kinda glad I got rid of them...
4.) Once the NT's find out I'm an Aspie, they start buying into the Stereotypes. Fucking Hell!
Simply put, they start acting like I'm a real-life version of Sheldon Cooper. That doesn't help matters at all. My behavior is nothing like that character (despite the fact that we're both just one lab accident away from becoming a Super-villain) or any other portrayals of Asperger's Syndrome you might see in entertainment or the media. All of those seem to be pretty extreme cases and I'm a much more mild case than any of them. My problems are strictly related to not recognizing non-verbal social cues. I've since learned how to detect emotions expressed through body language and vocal inflections. I CAN EVEN RECOGNIZE SARCASM, even though I usually choose to ignore it most of the time.
Also, for what it's worth, Sheldon was never diagnosed. The writers deliberately left him undiagnosed so they wouldn't be pigeon-holed into what they could do with the character. That was a wise decision on their part.
5.) I'm just too good natured for my own good...
I am that nice guy that all the women say they want but, never try to date until they are ready to settle down. Sadly, the nice guy really does finish last much of the time.
There were more than a few times when I pursued a woman only for her to choose/chase after some guy that was totally wrong for her. That guy was usually some 'bad boy' type that was still VERY much just a little boy in many ways. That would also usually end my attraction to that girl too. It sure made for a few awkward conversations when they got dumped by that loser and then tried to come back to me later. They would always be so surprised when I told them I was no longer interested. Honestly chick, what the fuck did you expect? I don't forgive betrayal, nor do I go for sloppy seconds! Of course, I'm dealing with Adults now. Grown Adults do not bother with the 'bad boy/girl' types and those poor idjits that acted like a 'bad boy/girl' usually end up alone... unless they became a single parent.
And then, the same 'bad girls' that never would have given me the time of day in High School try to chat me up and get in my good graces. Sorry, honey. You had your chance in High School, back when you were in your prime... and you messed it up. Now, you're a physical and emotional wreck with at least one divorce and/or kid(s) in tow and I don't want to take care of you. Besides, there was only one single mother I would have ever loved/married/whatever and she's married to someone else now. Much to other people's surprise, I am actually far more happy about that than she could ever guess. In that particular individual's case, the love evolved beyond simple romance and became a form of Agape. Her happiness was the most important thing to me and she is quite happy these days. She might even read this too.
If you do read this, my dear Primo Amore, I just want to thank you for all the help and advice you've given me over the years. (Not to mention your often seemingly unlimited patience.) You'll probably never truly be able to fully understand how much of a positive impact you've had on me. If not for you, I'd probably be a real Monster, rather than just someone that used to act like one as a protective measure. Just by being the angelic sweetheart you are, you very well may have saved the world from something unimaginably terrible. As far as I am concerned, Humanity owes you a debt that can never be fully repaid.
- Lord Publius
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